DailyHappyLiving.com

gopimenon February 4th, 2010

Hi There,

When I talk of ‘The Cinderella Complex’ as it pertains to Happy Living, I am NOT referring to that which was described by Colette Dowling -  who wrote a book on women’s fear of independence, as an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others, based primarily on a fear of being independent.

Neither am I referring to ‘Cinderella’s Syndrome’ as first named by Dr. Peter K. Lewin in 1976, in a letter to the editor of Canadian Medical Association Journal.  It describes false accusation by adopted children of being mistreated or neglected by their adoptive mothers.

The above are referring to individual cases.  However,  I am talking about the whole world  suffering from a set of beliefs that I call ‘Cinderella Complex’ for reasons that will become clear in this post.

In the fairy tale of Cinderella, we are told of a ‘good’ person (Cinderella) suffering unjustly but patiently from the wicked Stepmother and her daughters.  Her only help is from a Fairy Godmother who helps her go to the ball and find her a Prince Charming who then finally sets her free and they live happily ever after!

Just analyze some of the beliefs that we are fostering on our children with that tale:

• The good people have to Suffer with Patience and Forbearance whatever injustice they are forced to endure.  (Therefore expect to suffer if you are a good person!)
• They do NOT have any power to help themselves – they have to wait for an external Savior (Fairy Godmother) or a Hero (Prince Charming) to save them.
• The world is separated into 2 clear cut Parts – Evil & Good (with no gray areas in between).

These are the same kind of beliefs that all human beings are taught as children – by our parents, our school teachers and our religious teachers, by our movies and books etc.

• We are powerless as human beings in this world – we are at the mercy of Fate, the Devil, and other Evildoers
• All we can do is pray for a savior or a hero to help us – and if we pray hard enough and suffer long enough, the hero or savior will appear and save us from our troubles!

But how true are these beliefs?  How many cases do we know of ‘good’ people being saved from their ’suffering’ by the appearance of a savior?

In real life, it is we ourselves who have the power to alter our ‘fate’ and design our own destiny!  This is what all the success stories of the world shows – the rags to riches stories (there was never any Fairy Godmother) who magically lifted them out of poverty!

The struggling inventors, writers, poets, painters, entrepreneurs etc all achieved their successes by their own belief in their dreams and the hard work they put in, and their persistence.   Sometimes the Universe helped them by ’synchronistic’ events that were actually brought about by their own diligence and strong belief in success!  But by and large, there was NO White Knights to slay the dragons and save them!

Unfortunately, since we are all brainwashed into accepting the ‘Cinderella Complex’ from early age, most of us find it difficult to break away from such negative and self defeating beliefs!  Many of us still cry out in prayer, do fasts & penances, give offerings etc in the hope that we can bribe or extort some help from the Gods!

We fail to realize that the Creator has already given us the power to design our own lives;  we don’t have to stoop to try and appease or please God in all the silly ways we have been taught to do!

The Creator would be well pleased with us if only we were to exploit fully the talents that we have been born with – by ‘not hiding our light under the bushel’!  To do that we must become aware of what it is that we truly desire to do with our lives and then go for it confidently!

The unchanging and neutral Laws of the Universe and the Laws of Mind will provide the synchronicity required to ensure that we succeed.  All we need is to understand some of these basic principles (see World According to Gopi & Why Does God Allow Bad Things to Happen – Part 2)

Unfortunately, this idea of a special Hero with super-powers has been around for ages (e.g. Samson, Ulysses, Hercules etc.) and is even now being echoed in the Movies! A whole village is under the control of an evil leader and only the appearance of a hero from outside can help to overcome the villain!

This is true for both Western movies (think ‘Magnificent Seven’, ‘Shane’, Zorro, etc. etc.) as well as Eastern movies.  The vast majority of Indian movies exploit this theme to the nth degree – one unarmed ’super hero’ overcomes dozens of gangsters while hundreds of villagers watch!  I used to wonder “Why doesn’t any of the hundreds of onlookers do something when atrocities are being committed by a dozen thugs?”  If only they were to take concerted action together, they could easily end the suffering and the humiliation!  Instead they stand around just looking (even when the one hero is fighting tremendous odds) – because they all suffer from the Cinderella Complex!

Like the case of a baby elephant which is tethered with a strong rope or chain and finding itself unable to break free, finally decides that it CANNOT break free, so that even when it is grown to be a 3 ton giant, it can still be held in place by a small chain.   Because it has forgotten its own powers.  So too the men and women suffering from the Cinderella Complex have forgotten or given up their own powers and now prefer to remain at the mercy of others!

Thus let us remember that the Cinderella Story is just that – a fairy tale and is NOT representative of real life!   If we want to experience a happy life, we should just go out and create it for ourselves, believing that we do have the power to do so!   Let us not wait for a White Knight, a Hero or a Fairy Godmother to alter our lives for the better.

Expect Happiness!

• happy living
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gopimenon January 19th, 2010

Hi There,

Most of the posts in this blog focuses on your mind and how you can use it to create a happy state of mind – no matter what the circumstances!

However today’s Happy Living Tip #8 is very different. You don’t have to do much thinking at all! Instead you DO something,which immediately puts you in a happy frame of mind.

So without further suspense, here is Happy Living Tip #8.
__________________________________________________________________________

Happy Living Tip # 8: Do Something Today to Make Someone Else Happy!

___________________________________________________________________

Now, doing something to make another person happy need not be a grandiose event costing a large sum of money or a lot of time!

It can be as simple gesture of goodwill as a genuine smile or an enthusiastic ‘good-morning’!  It can be a heartfelt ‘thank-you’ or a genuine word of appreciation to someone who has done you a good service.

It can also be some physical help like running simple errands taking an ill neighbor to the clinic, or fetching a friend from the train station.  Anything which makes the other person happy.

But there is a caveat:  Doing something to make another person happy does NOT mean you should perform ‘Random Acts of Kindness’ ! Don’t do that!

As rightly said by Gretchen Rubin (click on link below to see her article in Huffington Post), we must avoid ‘random acts of kindness’ because a stranger may not appreciate our gesture of goodwill and instead be suspicious of us and our motives.   So we must ensure that we do something that makes the other happy – not just something that we think will make the other happy!

UNDERLYING PRINCIPLES:

In all the earlier posts, we have learnt that our thoughts create our moods or emotions.   However the reverse is also true!  Our ACTIONS can also create our emotions and moods! The saying: “Act enthusiastic and you will feel enthusiastic!” is based on this fact.

However today’s tip goes a little further, to another universal principle – we attract that which we give out! If we give out affection, we get affection, if we give love, we get love in return, and if we give out anger, we get resentment and anger in return, and so on.

When we feel happy, we send out good vibrations and so we attract good things into our life.  This act of making someone else happy works to instantly uplift our own spirits!

If you don’t believe me just try it today -  Telephone a friend whom you have been meaning to call and have a friendly chat;  or call your Mother/Father/Sibling and tell them how much you love them!

See how uplifted you feel immediately after making the call.   So you have made two people happy with that one call – the receiver and yourself!

So remember this Happy Living Tip #8:  Do Something to Make Someone Else Happy! It is one of the easiest to implement and gets the fastest results!

Related articles by Zemanta

• Gretchen Rubin: A Year In The Pursuit Of Happiness: 7 Surprising Truths About What Makes Us Happy (huffingtonpost.com)

• happiness , happy living
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gopimenon January 4th, 2010

Hi There,

Today I would like to follow-up on last week’s topic ‘Not Putting Labels on People’ – which was all about learning to have ‘empathy’ for others.   Empathy is not the same as ’sympathy’ which merely means to feel sorry for others!  Empathy means to be able to feel what others feel – to put ourselves in their position.

We can find many proverbs and sayings on various aspects of this subject ‘empathy’ such as:

• “Don’t judge a person until you walk a mile in the other person’s shoes!” – i.e.  See things from the other person’s perspective.
• “I was blue because I had no shoes, until I met a man on the street who had no feet!” - Learn to be grateful for what we have.
• “Live and let live!” – Live well but at the same time ensure that you let others live well too because they too are humans and deserve it!  (Unfortunately some people follow the adage ‘Live & Let Die!‘ thereby causing untold misery to others and to themselves too.)
• Etc.

But the phrase that has always struck a chord within me is one from the Bible which goes like this:

• “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I!”

It talks to me most strongly about ‘empathy’ – the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s situation.   But it is much more than that.  It also speaks to me of gratitude and humility.  In case you are not aware of what this phrase means, let me elaborate.

What it means to me is simply this:

If I see say a beggar, or a blind man, or a cripple on the street, I realize that if circumstances had been different, perhaps I could have been in their shoes!  Thus if I am sighted, able-bodied, and in a comfortable position financially now, it is merely because of the grace of God that I am not in the other’s plight.   Realizing this makes me exceedingly grateful and humble!  It also helps me to be kind to the other!

The other person need not be physically challenged for me to apply this phrase.  Even if I see a waiter, or a cleaner or a maid, I can still think about this and be grateful because I know that I could have been in their situation, but for Divine grace.  So I am always courteous to them – because I know they too are human, just like me and should not be treated as less than human!

Whenever I hear of people in positions of power, mistreating those less fortunate, I think about this phrase. If only these people would realize the true meaning of this phrase, they would not mistreat or condemn or judge others as they do now!

Unfortunately, I see many people going about acting boorishly  everywhere (in a restaurant, in the office, on the road, at home, etc.);  they look down upon others and treat them badly – without common courtesy.

Many people are arrogant about their position, their wealth or their health, not realizing that any of these could be taken from them in the blink of an eye – by an accident, by disease, by criminals etc.

In fact if you look at what happened in 2009 – some of those sacrosanct institutions (such as banks, insurance, huge conglomerates etc.) just went bust overnight!   Millions lost their means of livelihood, many lost their homes, and so on.

So now what happens to their arrogance and pride?   Who do they go to for help?  To those whom they have antagonized by their selfish, inconsiderate behavior?  On what grounds?

That is why we should realize that when we are in a comfortable position, we should be KIND to those in less fortunate positions! It is also the way to be happy in our relationship with others! If we continue to ‘distribute’ misery to others, how can we expect to remain happy?

This is why I place so much emphasis on this phrase as a means to Happy Living. Please remember: “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I!”

Expect Happiness!

• gratitude , happiness , happy living , unhappiness
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gopimenon December 23rd, 2009

Hi There,

It’s been some time since I posted another Happy Living Tip.   So for today I am giving another important tip on happy living.  But because this particular tip has far-reaching effects on basic human relationships and interactions, I need to give you some background.

Many years ago, when reading a book (where the central character was an anti-hero type),  I realized that when we look at his life from that person’s perspective, we are able to empathize with him and not just label him as a villain or a gangster and so on.

I also noticed the same thing happens when we are watching a movie, and we begin to root for the protagonist, even when he/she is not always perfect!  E.g. in the novel and the movie ‘Godfather’ we tend to empathize with the Don and do not just think of him merely as a mobster.

A more recent case of a movie we all appreciated even though it dealt with negative subjects (such as homophobia, adultery, murder etc.) was ‘American Beauty’ which won an Oscar for that year.  Here too we began to empathize with the characters without labeling them.

This insight led me to coin the phrase: “Separate the man from his actions, and you have cause to hate none!” Meaning that when we can differentiate the person from a particular action of his and NOT label him because of that action, then we are able to understand and accept him as a human being!

I used this insight in a practical way when bringing up my children.  One of the rules I insisted on following and also told my wife to follow when it comes to child discipline was this:

• Never tell a child: “You are a naughty kid!”; “You are a bad boy/girl!”;  “You are good-for-nothing!”; etc.
• Instead say: “You are a good boy, but what you did just now was bad!”

In other words, always let the child know he is good and he is loved – but his behavior at that time was not good.  My way of putting this into practice was as follows:

• Whenever I had to reprimand the child,  immediately after the ‘punishment’, I made it a point to show him that my love and affection for him was intact by giving him a treat (an ice-cream or chocolate).   I would clarify to the child:  “You are a good boy and I love you, but the action you did just now is not good or acceptable and that is why I had to scold you!”

My wife used to say: “What kind of punishment is that?  How will he ever feel the effect of the punishment, if you immediately give him a treat?”

I explained:  “Is punishment the main aim of the discipline?  No!  What is important is to see that he does not do those ‘bad’ things again!  Now, when a child knows he is loved and he is good, his self-image is intact and he realizes the difference between himself (as a person) and his actions.  He then knows that he can change his actions, and he will change voluntarily – not because of fear of punishment!”

So what has all this got to do with Happy Living Tip #7?  Everything!  In fact it is the crux of the whole problem why we are unhappy in our interactions with other people – the inability to empathize with others because of the labels we place on them.

Continue Reading »

• happiness , happy living , marriage
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gopimenon December 9th, 2009

In my last post I related the true story of the ‘Marriage Woes of Meena & Sham’.  I ended up asking if their marriage could survive?  Today we continue with the story!

The Marriage Woes of Sham & Meena (contd.)

One day, while Sham was listening to a meditation tape, he had an epiphany:

If I refuse to change my own perceptions, even if I were to get divorced and remarry, the problem would still be there.   Because it all begins with my own lack of acceptance that my spouse can have a different set of beliefs.

Sham finally decided that if there was to be any change in the relationship, it had to come from him!  Initially he had been reluctant to do so because he believed in ‘equality’ in a marraige!  His reasoning was:  “Why should I alone make the change?  Doesn’t it take two hands to clap?  Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership?  Why should I be the one to give in all the time?  Etc.”

Finally, he realized that it was not a contest of who was right but an attempt to make a relationship work.  He found that  it was NOT necessary for both the people in a relationship to make a change at the same time!  Even if he alone were to begin to make changes in himself, then the relationship could be salvaged.  And between himself and Meena, he was the better candidate for change since he read a lot, thought a lot and was interested in change!

So he started with learning to truly accept himself with all his weaknesses and strengths.   He did the mirror exercise regularly and began to truly love himself as an individual, unique human being.

When he could truly love himself, he realized that he could love Meena too (without being judgmental).  He began to look for the good that Meena did, instead of what she failed to do!  Thus he was able to find many things he had been taking for granted and not showing appreciation for.

E.g.  When his younger colleagues at the office kept getting calls from their wives regarding problems at home, he realized that never had Meena called him at the office to complain about anything.   He could even go away on business trips for a couple of days without any worry, unlike his colleagues who kept getting constant calls from their homes.   Meena cooked well, looked after their 3 active sons, and kept the house spic and span, without any complaints – all without a maid!

Once he began to appreciate what was good about Meena, Sham stopped criticizing her for every little thing!  He could then truly love her for being herself!

This was a great relief for Meena (it took away the tension she felt of always being judged) and so she reciprocated.  She began to feel that Sham really cared for her and so she was more affectionate and loving too.

Fast forward many years to the present! Sham and Meena have now been married for over 35 years, have 3 sons and grandchildren and they are both really happy in their marriage – which even their sons had expected to go on the rocks!

What was the secret that saved their marriage, in spite of the myriad problems? Continue Reading »

• happiness , happy living , marriage , self acceptance , unhappiness
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gopimenon December 7th, 2009

`Staying Happy in a Marriage’ is vastly different from `Staying in a Marriage’!

It is a statistical fact that more marriages in the West end up in divorce than in the East.  However it does not mean that most couples in the East who remain married are happy!

Many married couples are living `lives of quiet desperation’ because Eastern culture places a lot of value on self-sacrifice.  So, unhappy couples stay together for reasons such as:

• We don’t want our children to suffer the loss of a parent.
• We can’t do much about it – just accept it as FATE!
• `What will the people say?’ syndrome.
• Public view of female divorcees is very negative (in typical male chauvinistic fashion).

So it does not mean that just because the divorce ratio in the East is less, the marriages are happy!

But it does not have to be like that! You too can stay happy in your marriage if you know the secret!  The secret is simple, but it takes discipline and effort to implement.

Before I reveal the secret, let me tell you a story – a true story but with names changed.

The Marriage Woes of Sham & Meena

Sham and Meena had an arranged marriage.  Basically both were good and honest people with many sterling qualities but they differed greatly in their outlooks on life.   Sham was more of a dreamer while Meena was very practical and bound by traditions.

He loved reading books, seeing movies and generally lived in the ‘mind’ world of ideas while she was bored with movies or books.   She did not consider them real!   She preferred talking to friends about people and ‘real things’ – like who got married, who is expecting children, who got promotions, etc.  Sham had another word for that ‘reality’ – gossip!

Meena’s memory for facts about people and their relationships was incredible:  she could remember which niece’s son was studying what subjects, in what school; which uncle’s daughter is getting married to who; their occupations and so on.

Sham, on the other hand, had an incredible memory too – for inspiring quotations, for ideas, for movie stories including the names of actors and actresses etc.   He could be moved to laughter and tears by books and movies but unlike Meena, was not very affected by actual funerals or weddings of relatives!

Meena believed in ritual prayer, she fasted once per week, she loved to attend temple functions and recite  bajans (hymns) in Sanskrit, which she did not understand!

Sham believed that since God was everywhere and understood all languages, why bother to go to temples and pray in certain approved ’sacred’ languages?  We might as well pray at home and directly to God without using an intermediary!

As you can see Sham and Meena were hardly the most compatible of couples!  But their basic values were the same: integrity, honesty, kindness etc.   Both loved children and would never hurt them.  Both were very honest with each other – sometimes too honest!

So they stayed together for years… for all the wrong reasons stated above, always unhappy at perceived slights and uncaring – needing only the most trivial of incidents to start another argument, bringing up past grievances and adding to their misery.

Each one felt that the other was uncaring and unsupportive and tried to prove the other was at fault.   Thus there could be no solution until they realized that changing another is an impossible task and one can only change himself/herself! 

When a brother suggested to Sham that he should be the one to make the change (because he was the one who enjoyed ideas and thinking etc.), Sham asked: “Why should I alone attempt to change myself?  It takes two hands to clap!  Why should I alone be giving in?”

So Sham and Meena were always unhappy – angry with each other and just waiting to find fault with each other.  As they say “What we focus on expands!”  So when each looked for faults in the other, they found it aplenty!

So much so that one of their sons even asked years ago: “Why do you two stay together if you are fighting all the time?  Why don’t you try separation?”

Is there any hope of saving such a marriage?

Strangely enough, in spite of their incompatibility, their marriage did survive?  How? What was their secret?

All will be revealed in the next episode of ‘Sham & Meena’s Marriage Woes’  in the next post.

• happy living , marriage , self acceptance
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gopimenon November 21st, 2009

For the past several months, I have been sharing the philosophy that each one of us can make Happiness a Habit – by remaining aware of our feelings at all times and by controlling our thoughts, thus activating happy feelings!

So by now you regular readers know that you can make happy living a reality in spite of the circumstances, environment or other people.

That in itself is already a great achievement, since the majority of the people in this world are still struggling with the idea that ‘their happiness is based on outer circumstances and other people’ and not on their own choice.  They keep complaining about external things like:

• he/she makes me angry,
• my spouse doesn’t understand me,
• that road-hog makes me lose my temper,
• my boss makes me sick,
• the loss of a dear one makes me depressed,
• etc. etc.

They have not yet realized that it is always a choice they themselves make as to whether to get angry, or upset or sad or miserable.

But you, dear readers have already learnt that ‘no matter what the event, or circumstance; how we respond (not react) is always our own choice!’ You have learned to make happiness a habit!

While that is a great first step to happy living, there is a problem associated with ‘being habitually happy’ – namely, the lack of motivation to achieve!  I explored this idea a little in an earlier post ‘The Problem With Being Happy‘.  When we are habitually happy, we feel calm and at ease and lazy in a nice way and have no motivation to do anything much!

So how does a habitually happy person, get motivated to achieve anything new or exciting?

That is the subject of the Second Phase in Daily Happy Living – How to Increase Your Happiness!

Anyone can increase his/her happiness by using what I call ‘Happiness Enhancers’.

As explained in the above mentioned post,  Happiness Enhancers are anything that add to or increase our present state of happiness.

Examples of Happiness Enhancers are:

1. Having a Major Purpose in Life
2. Setting and Achieving Goals
3. Building Wealth
4. Building Health and Fitness
5. Having a Hobby (physical – such as tennis, football etc. or mental – such as chess, crossword, sudoku etc.)
6. Being Entertained by Others (music, novels, operas, dramas, movies, TV etc)
7. By Entertaining Others
8. & Many, Many More ….

But one of the best ways to increase your happiness is to find our your passion (purpose) and go after it with your whole heart and soul, expecting to succeed in your venture.  Remember my saying “Man Proposes, God Endorses!”   Because that is the truth!

The Creator would have to be stupid to first give you a passion or purpose or talent and then try to make sure you fail!  If ‘Man Proposes, God Disposes’ is true; what hope is there for mankind?  What can we puny humans do against the might of the Creator?  We are bound to fail!

Hence, know for certain that if God has given us a special talent or passion or purpose, it is for us to work on it, to excel at it and thus provide the world with the fruits of our special talent!  The Creator is not a sadistic dictator finding pleasure at our failures and our misery.  If we think of God as a parent, then we know that the Creator finds joy in each of us exploiting our talents to the fullest and achieving incredible goals and not in ensuring that we fail!

In my next post we will discuss this vital point on Purpose & Motivation which can lead to increased happiness.

To be continued….

• Motivation , happiness , happy living , unhappiness
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gopimenon November 9th, 2009

Hi There,

In an earlier post I wrote about ‘How to Forgive Strangers & Acquaintances’.  Today I will discuss ‘How to Forgive Family & Close Friends’

It is easier to forgive strangers and acquaintances, because we may not see them again or only see them again very rarely!  Hence there are less chances of being reminded about the hurt or anger.

However with family members and close friends, it is quite different.   We cannot avoid seeing them or interacting with them on a daily basis.   Hence the incident that caused the hurt or anger will keep coming back into our minds, every time we see them.

Also our expectations of family and friends are higher – we expect them to understand us and feel for us, much more so than we would expect from any others.  So we end up feeling greater hurt and disappointment.

The key here is ‘expectation’ – it is because we expect a certain behavior or a specific reaction from our family, that when we don’t get that behavior or reaction, we feel betrayed and are truly hurt!

So the solution to this problem is ‘acceptance’ and ‘love’ – unconditional acceptance and love!  The word ‘unconditional’ is very important when it comes to family.  If we love and accept the family member unconditionally, then we find it easier to forgive him or her.

The first 2 steps in forgiving a family member is similar to that for forgiving a stranger, namely:

1. To remember that when we decide to forgive someone, we are actually thinking of ourselves (our own well being) – not that of the other person!  In a way it can be considered a ’selfish’ act – one that benefits us more.
2. To remember that by nursing thoughts of anger and hurt within our own minds, we are poisoning our own selves – physically (by the excess hormones we generate), mentally (by our thinking) and emotionally (by our negative feelings).

The extra step we need to take when forgiving a member of the family or close friend is learning to ‘accept them unconditionally’!   If we are judgmental about our spouse or other family member, then we are bound to react to them, based on our assumption of their motives.  We will not be able to respond fairly to their actions – because we will always be inferring ulterior motives to their actions.

The other thing is that when we hold some form of judgment about another person, we will be sending out different vibrations than if we were totally unconditional. 

For example, if I think my wife is ‘non-supportive’ then whatever she says, does or does not do (however innocently) will be viewed by me from the viewpoint of her being non-supportive.  And it is easy to find fault when we focus on the perceived faults. 

Thus there is no way I can forgive her – unless and until I practice non-judgment and unconditional acceptance of her!  I have to see her as a good loving person, with some faults or quirks, just as each one of us are with our own quirks and foibles and faults!

When I can come to this place of self-acceptance and acceptance of my spouse as ‘perfect at her own level of evolution’, then it will become much easier for me to forgive her when she does things that I do not expect and upsets me.

What I have found in real life is that when we begin to practice unconditional love and acceptance, we will experience less and less situations that upset or hurt us!

When we begin to feel unconditional love for others, they can sense it and they will automatically respond to those positive vibrations, and will begin to act in ways to reciprocate your love and acceptance! Thus they will often say or do things that please you and not upset you!

In another post I shall share some practical methods I use to help me forgive others and practice happy living on a daily basis! See you soon.

• anger , happiness , happy living , self acceptance
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gopimenon November 1st, 2009

Hi There,

Last week I wrote the first part of ‘How To Forgive Someone’.   Today I intended to write Part 2 of that post ‘How to Forgive Family & Close Friends’  but I have to postpone this to the next week because of a problem a reader brought up to my attention.

The Problem: “Your blog tells us that in order to be Happy, we should control our Mind!  But exactly how do I do that?  I find it so difficult to let go of my anger and vengeful feelings as well as fear feelings!  I would be grateful if you could tell me whether you use any special tools to help control your mind.”

My Answer:

Thank you dear reader for your question!

I get the same question from my wife!  “How exactly can I change the thoughts that I allow to dwell in my mind?  I can’t help but react to people who annoy me, or upset me or hurt me with negative emotions of anger, hurt and revenge!  So how can I forgive?”

The only way we can change our normal thought patterns is by being aware and by repetition!  Repetition is how we became the way we are.  As children when we react in one way that has helped us to solve a problem once, we tend to repeat the same action!

For example if we found as a child that throwing tantrums or shouting or crying helped us get what we wanted, and we keep repeating it – the subconscious mind accepts it as a successful reaction and makes it a habit!  So that  even though we are adults now, we still tend to get angry, raise our voices, frown, cry or whatever else worked for us once and has become ingrained in our mind as a HABIT!  I’m sure we can see examples of this everyday, whether at home or in the workplace!

Just like learning to drive a car has become a habit, our reactions to certain stimuli have also become habitual.   Of course it is difficult to change an ingrained habit!   It is not that our Intention is weak, but the Habit is too strong!  By repetition over years of reacting in a certain way, we have created ‘highways in our mind’ along which our thoughts keep traveling when we come across a certain stimulus!   Thus we need help when we want to create new better pathways in our mind.

This is where Technology can help!  You see that the problem with trying to change habitual thinking is that we are going about it the hard way – via the Conscious Mind (when our thoughts are in the Beta wave range).  We can find some small success with the Conscious Mind, by using constant repetition over a long period of time – perhaps months or even years! Continue Reading »

• anger , fear , happiness , happy living
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gopimenon October 22nd, 2009

It’s been some time since I posted another Happy Living Tip.   So for today I am giving another important tip on happy living.  This has to do with ‘forgiveness’, specifically on the practical aspects of forgiving.  So here is Happy Living Tip #6.

__________________________________________________________________________

Happy Living Tip # 6: How to Forgive Someone!

We always hear people tell us that it is good to forgive, ‘to forgive is divine’ etc. but seldom are there any specific details on ‘how to forgive’.   That is what this tip is all about.  We will explore the practical aspects of forgiving others.

To do this I have separated the people to be forgiven into 2 categories; namely ‘Strangers & Acquaintances’ and ‘Family and Close Friends’.  These are described below.

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Forgiving Strangers & Acquaintances:

The first thing to realize about forgiveness is that you are NOT doing it for the other person, but for yourself!   Because the feelings of anger, shame & hurt when you think about the perceived injury to your ego or self-esteem, is all within your own mind!  

And you continue to feel insulted or shamed and get angry when you continue to dwell on the ‘injury’ in your own mind.   Externally there may be nothing to show for the hurt you feel – the person who caused it may be gone for good or you may not meet him/her again.

If you have been following this blog for some time, you already know that your mind is completely under your own control – you can choose what thoughts you allow to stay or change those thoughts as you like! 

So how does it benefit you to keep thinking of the perceived injury again and again?  You are only hurting yourself repeatedly by your continuing resentment.  By continuing to think of tit-for-tat or revenge to get back at the person involved, you are only poisoning your own physical system!

The excess adrenaline rush is in your body, the hormonal imbalance is in your body, the side effects of these are also going to show up in your own body and mind!  You are not affecting the other person in any way at all.Once you realize this,  it is easy to forgive the other person.   Because by the act of forgiving, the one you help is yourself and not the other!

Also the forgiving act you do is in your own mind!  You do not have to go up to the other person and say ‘I forgive you’ or anything like that.   Just say inside your own mind: ‘bless you, have a good life’ or something like that,  and close the book on the incident!

Here is a test to know if you have really forgiven: If you hear the other person’s name mentioned and your mind does not immediately go back to that incident; if it does not affect you one way or another – then you have truly forgiven!   

If you can think about that person without feeling upset or hurt or envy, then you have truly forgiven!  On the other hand if you carry with you any vestiges of the perceived injury, then the very mention of the person’s name will bring about renewed feelings of upset and anger.

NOTE: For a first hand example of how I managed to learn to forgive and forget,  read my post “How I Overcame Road Rage!”

In my next post I will discuss the more difficult problem of ‘Forgiving Family & Friends’!

As always Expect Happiness!

Gopinathan

• anger , happiness , happy living , law of mind , unhappiness
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