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gopimenon July 4th, 2010

Today’s post is an excerpt from my latest ebook entitled “6 Golden Rules of Happy Parenting“.

When it comes to talking to older children, especially teenagers, it is necessary to respect them and trust that they will act responsibly, when faced with any situation!

NOTE: This rule comes in at #5 because for it to work we need to have applied the other 4 Rules while bringing the child up from a baby!

1. Stop forbidding them anything! Tell them “It is your choice, but accept responsibility for your choices!”
2. Always ‘persuade rather than command’!  Let them feel it is in their own interest to do something.

The second principle above “Persuade, Rather Than Command”  will be illustrated in the story below which is another article I wrote long ago, but never got around to publishing!

The Case of the Recalcitrant Calf

Your first response could be: “What the heck does recalcitrant mean?”  Not to worry – the meaning will become clear when you read the story!

This story involves the famous writer (Emerson I believe), who was holidaying at his farmhouse in the country.  One fine day the great man found that a calf had wandered into his living room.

He first tried to shoo it away, but the calf had other ideas.  He then called his son to help. The son tugged at the head while Emerson pushed at the rear, but the calf would not budge! They tried in vain for several minutes to get the calf outside and had just about given up.

Just then their milkmaid happened to pass by carrying a pail of milk and they hailed her.  She observed the situation calmly for a moment.  She then dipped her thumb into the pail of milk, walked up to the calf and placed her thumb in its mouth.  The calf quietly followed her, busily sucking on her thumb. The maid and the hitherto recalcitrant calf made their exit.

Emerson was left nonplussed.  For all his intellect and wit and wisdom, a mere chit of a girl had succeeded in doing what he and his son had failed to do!

The moral of the story: A calf, or even people, can be `led but not driven’!  You do not need a PhD to persuade others to do what you want, but you do need common sense.  To lead someone we need to know what that person wants or needs. The same thing applies to parents and equally to children.

Now back to the `big’ word. By now I’m sure you know that recalcitrant means stubborn (intractable, refractory or intransigent).  Then why did I use the uncommon word instead of the common?  Simply because the uncommon tends to be remembered better.

For example: How many of us know of `The Son who Wastes Money’?  But I’m sure all of you remember the story of `The Prodigal Son’.

*****************End of Article**************

Other topics I discuss in the book ‘6 Golden Rules of Happy Parenting‘ with actual real-life examples for applying each rule, include the following:

Rule #1:  Treat Each Child as a Human Being and NOT as Just a Child! (Don’t fall victim to Parental Pride Syndrome)

Rule #2:  Never Discipline a Child When You are Angry! (How to discipline with love)

Rule #3:  Always Treat the Child as Priority (and act with their interests in mind – not that of friends or relatives!)

Rule #4:  Learn the Art of Saying NO to a Child! (Don’t forbid outright but …)

Etc.

If you would like to check out the book just CLICK here:  Happy Parenting Rules

Will be back with another Happy Living Tip soon.

Cheers!

• happy living , parenting
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gopimenon June 27th, 2010

Recently there has been a lot of news reports about horrific problems with schoolchildren, teenagers and youth in general.   Some of the problems include `extreme ragging’ causing death of new students, ‘bullying’, ‘teenage pregnancies’ and even ‘molest and rape’ at  the school compound!

Such things were unheard of in our time, just a couple of decades ago!  What has gone wrong?  As always people complain about the teachers, discipline masters, and headmasters of schools.  They also point fingers at the police.  But nobody seems to talk about the root cause of all these problems – Poor Parenting! If good parenting were still in vogue, then we would not need to have such pleas to leave our children alone as shown in this street art.

Parents nowadays are too busy with their careers to spend enough time with their children inculcating GOOD VALUES!  They feel that they are doing their part by providing the children with food and money for their education and expect the teachers at school to teach them good values!   They forget that the persons with the most influence on their children are themselves, or they are too busy to take the trouble!

It does take time, it takes patience and it is a little trouble to teach your children good values - such as considerateness for others, courtesy, keeping their word and other aspects of good character.   But it is not impossible if you make it a priority.

Of course children are a priority; a well brought up child grows up to be a stable, caring, matured adult who is an asset to society, the country and the world! But a badly brought up child is a burden on society both socially and economically!

The biggest lesson of all that a parent should teach a child is to feel empathy for another!  This one quality alone will overcome almost all the bad behavior that we encounter among youth.   If we teach them from the time they are toddlers that they have to feel what another feels; that their actions should not hurt another; then we are over the greatest hurdle!

So we teach them to share their toys and not just grab another’s toy.  We ask them how they themselves would feel if somebody snatched their toy.   Children are very malleable – they learn whatever their parents (or any trusted caregiver) teach, either by their words or actions.  Children also learn by example! So if you forbid them from smoking while you chain-smoke, then they are NOT going to listen to you.

If a boy has been taught from young to respect girls, then he would grow up respectful of girls and women when he is a teenager. If, instead, all he sees is callous behavior towards women by the men in his life or even in movies and TV shows, then that is what he learns!  It is worse if such behavior is endorsed by so-called religious male chauvinists. The boy grows up thinking it is okay to mistreat women and feels no compunction at all for his discourteous acts towards women!

Talking about empathy, I am appalled at the way some parents treat their maids and thus teach their children it is okay to treat people who work for them as lesser humans (who can be treated as slaves).  These parents should take to heart the statement “There but for the grace of God, go I”!

These employers are blessed to be in the fortunate position they are in and  should be grateful for their own good fortune and sympathize with the lot of the maids.  They should realize that if things were otherwise, it could be they or their children who may have to do menial work!   Then how would they feel?  That is empathy – to feel what others feel if they were in the others shoes.

So it all starts from the home – a happy family with caring parents who know how to balance discipline with love, will always raise happy, stable kids who will grow up to be a joy and a blessing to the world! Let not parents pass over this huge responsibility of raising kids with good values, to the school teachers or police or other authorities.

Over the past nearly 40 years,  I have tried to bring up my three sons with good values using perhaps somewhat contrarian methods.   I have just published it in an ebook format which you can check out here: “6 Golden Rules of Happy Parenting“.  It is a 43 page ebook which contains real-life examples of bringing up children with a good balance of discipline and love!   I sincerely hope that this will be my small contribution to help parents in the critical task of raising exemplary children.

Cheers.

• happy living , parenting , social ills
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