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gopimenon December 9th, 2009

In my last post I related the true story of the ‘Marriage Woes of Meena & Sham’.  I ended up asking if their marriage could survive?  Today we continue with the story!

The Marriage Woes of Sham & Meena (contd.)

One day, while Sham was listening to a meditation tape, he had an epiphany:

If I refuse to change my own perceptions, even if I were to get divorced and remarry, the problem would still be there.   Because it all begins with my own lack of acceptance that my spouse can have a different set of beliefs.

Sham finally decided that if there was to be any change in the relationship, it had to come from him!  Initially he had been reluctant to do so because he believed in ‘equality’ in a marraige!  His reasoning was:  “Why should I alone make the change?  Doesn’t it take two hands to clap?  Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership?  Why should I be the one to give in all the time?  Etc.”

Finally, he realized that it was not a contest of who was right but an attempt to make a relationship work.  He found that  it was NOT necessary for both the people in a relationship to make a change at the same time!  Even if he alone were to begin to make changes in himself, then the relationship could be salvaged.  And between himself and Meena, he was the better candidate for change since he read a lot, thought a lot and was interested in change!

So he started with learning to truly accept himself with all his weaknesses and strengths.   He did the mirror exercise regularly and began to truly love himself as an individual, unique human being.

When he could truly love himself, he realized that he could love Meena too (without being judgmental).  He began to look for the good that Meena did, instead of what she failed to do!  Thus he was able to find many things he had been taking for granted and not showing appreciation for.

E.g.  When his younger colleagues at the office kept getting calls from their wives regarding problems at home, he realized that never had Meena called him at the office to complain about anything.   He could even go away on business trips for a couple of days without any worry, unlike his colleagues who kept getting constant calls from their homes.   Meena cooked well, looked after their 3 active sons, and kept the house spic and span, without any complaints – all without a maid!

Once he began to appreciate what was good about Meena, Sham stopped criticizing her for every little thing!  He could then truly love her for being herself!

This was a great relief for Meena (it took away the tension she felt of always being judged) and so she reciprocated.  She began to feel that Sham really cared for her and so she was more affectionate and loving too.

Fast forward many years to the present! Sham and Meena have now been married for over 35 years, have 3 sons and grandchildren and they are both really happy in their marriage – which even their sons had expected to go on the rocks!

What was the secret that saved their marriage, in spite of the myriad problems? Continue Reading »

• happiness , happy living , marriage , self acceptance , unhappiness
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gopimenon December 7th, 2009

`Staying Happy in a Marriage’ is vastly different from `Staying in a Marriage’!

It is a statistical fact that more marriages in the West end up in divorce than in the East.  However it does not mean that most couples in the East who remain married are happy!

Many married couples are living `lives of quiet desperation’ because Eastern culture places a lot of value on self-sacrifice.  So, unhappy couples stay together for reasons such as:

• We don’t want our children to suffer the loss of a parent.
• We can’t do much about it – just accept it as FATE!
• `What will the people say?’ syndrome.
• Public view of female divorcees is very negative (in typical male chauvinistic fashion).

So it does not mean that just because the divorce ratio in the East is less, the marriages are happy!

But it does not have to be like that! You too can stay happy in your marriage if you know the secret!  The secret is simple, but it takes discipline and effort to implement.

Before I reveal the secret, let me tell you a story – a true story but with names changed.

The Marriage Woes of Sham & Meena

Sham and Meena had an arranged marriage.  Basically both were good and honest people with many sterling qualities but they differed greatly in their outlooks on life.   Sham was more of a dreamer while Meena was very practical and bound by traditions.

He loved reading books, seeing movies and generally lived in the ‘mind’ world of ideas while she was bored with movies or books.   She did not consider them real!   She preferred talking to friends about people and ‘real things’ – like who got married, who is expecting children, who got promotions, etc.  Sham had another word for that ‘reality’ – gossip!

Meena’s memory for facts about people and their relationships was incredible:  she could remember which niece’s son was studying what subjects, in what school; which uncle’s daughter is getting married to who; their occupations and so on.

Sham, on the other hand, had an incredible memory too – for inspiring quotations, for ideas, for movie stories including the names of actors and actresses etc.   He could be moved to laughter and tears by books and movies but unlike Meena, was not very affected by actual funerals or weddings of relatives!

Meena believed in ritual prayer, she fasted once per week, she loved to attend temple functions and recite  bajans (hymns) in Sanskrit, which she did not understand!

Sham believed that since God was everywhere and understood all languages, why bother to go to temples and pray in certain approved ‘sacred’ languages?  We might as well pray at home and directly to God without using an intermediary!

As you can see Sham and Meena were hardly the most compatible of couples!  But their basic values were the same: integrity, honesty, kindness etc.   Both loved children and would never hurt them.  Both were very honest with each other – sometimes too honest!

So they stayed together for years… for all the wrong reasons stated above, always unhappy at perceived slights and uncaring – needing only the most trivial of incidents to start another argument, bringing up past grievances and adding to their misery.

Each one felt that the other was uncaring and unsupportive and tried to prove the other was at fault.   Thus there could be no solution until they realized that changing another is an impossible task and one can only change himself/herself! 

When a brother suggested to Sham that he should be the one to make the change (because he was the one who enjoyed ideas and thinking etc.), Sham asked: “Why should I alone attempt to change myself?  It takes two hands to clap!  Why should I alone be giving in?”

So Sham and Meena were always unhappy – angry with each other and just waiting to find fault with each other.  As they say “What we focus on expands!”  So when each looked for faults in the other, they found it aplenty!

So much so that one of their sons even asked years ago: “Why do you two stay together if you are fighting all the time?  Why don’t you try separation?”

Is there any hope of saving such a marriage?

Strangely enough, in spite of their incompatibility, their marriage did survive?  How? What was their secret?

All will be revealed in the next episode of ‘Sham & Meena’s Marriage Woes’  in the next post.

• happy living , marriage , self acceptance
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gopimenon November 9th, 2009

Hi There,

In an earlier post I wrote about ‘How to Forgive Strangers & Acquaintances’.  Today I will discuss ‘How to Forgive Family & Close Friends’

It is easier to forgive strangers and acquaintances, because we may not see them again or only see them again very rarely!  Hence there are less chances of being reminded about the hurt or anger.

However with family members and close friends, it is quite different.   We cannot avoid seeing them or interacting with them on a daily basis.   Hence the incident that caused the hurt or anger will keep coming back into our minds, every time we see them.

Also our expectations of family and friends are higher – we expect them to understand us and feel for us, much more so than we would expect from any others.  So we end up feeling greater hurt and disappointment.

The key here is ‘expectation’ – it is because we expect a certain behavior or a specific reaction from our family, that when we don’t get that behavior or reaction, we feel betrayed and are truly hurt!

So the solution to this problem is ‘acceptance’ and ‘love’ – unconditional acceptance and love!  The word ‘unconditional’ is very important when it comes to family.  If we love and accept the family member unconditionally, then we find it easier to forgive him or her.

The first 2 steps in forgiving a family member is similar to that for forgiving a stranger, namely:

1. To remember that when we decide to forgive someone, we are actually thinking of ourselves (our own well being) – not that of the other person!  In a way it can be considered a ‘selfish’ act – one that benefits us more.
2. To remember that by nursing thoughts of anger and hurt within our own minds, we are poisoning our own selves – physically (by the excess hormones we generate), mentally (by our thinking) and emotionally (by our negative feelings).

The extra step we need to take when forgiving a member of the family or close friend is learning to ‘accept them unconditionally’!   If we are judgmental about our spouse or other family member, then we are bound to react to them, based on our assumption of their motives.  We will not be able to respond fairly to their actions – because we will always be inferring ulterior motives to their actions.

The other thing is that when we hold some form of judgment about another person, we will be sending out different vibrations than if we were totally unconditional. 

For example, if I think my wife is ‘non-supportive’ then whatever she says, does or does not do (however innocently) will be viewed by me from the viewpoint of her being non-supportive.  And it is easy to find fault when we focus on the perceived faults. 

Thus there is no way I can forgive her – unless and until I practice non-judgment and unconditional acceptance of her!  I have to see her as a good loving person, with some faults or quirks, just as each one of us are with our own quirks and foibles and faults!

When I can come to this place of self-acceptance and acceptance of my spouse as ‘perfect at her own level of evolution’, then it will become much easier for me to forgive her when she does things that I do not expect and upsets me.

What I have found in real life is that when we begin to practice unconditional love and acceptance, we will experience less and less situations that upset or hurt us!

When we begin to feel unconditional love for others, they can sense it and they will automatically respond to those positive vibrations, and will begin to act in ways to reciprocate your love and acceptance! Thus they will often say or do things that please you and not upset you!

In another post I shall share some practical methods I use to help me forgive others and practice happy living on a daily basis! See you soon.

• anger , happiness , happy living , self acceptance
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gopimenon June 18th, 2009

In this post I would like to answer another question by a reader:  “Why does God allow bad things to happen?”

Another great question!  I believe this is one that many people keep asking, because they do not understand the principle of creating and operating a system.

True Story: A few weeks ago a freak accident happened on one of the expressways of Malaysia.  A bus crashed through the guard rails at the side of the road and the rails speared through the bus.  This resulted in the horrific deaths of several passengers.

Image via Wikipedia

As usual there were a lot of mail in the newspapers saying that the guardrails should be better designed and changed and so on.   Most people forgot that the the true cause of the accident  was the driver and not the guardrails!   As some wit once said:  “The cause of any accident is always the nut behind the steering wheel!”   The guardrails are not designed to keep your vehicle on the road safely if you hit it at 90 km/h or so!  And they need not be!   But as usual the public will blame the highway builders.

Of course there are some cases where the highways are not designed properly: such as poor banking at road curves unable to accommodate the recommended speeds,  road surface deteriorating very fast in the rainy season, high possibility of landslides etc.   But in the vast majority of cases, the expressways in Malaysia are of a really high standard!

Why am I bringing up this incident?  Because it reflects the way people think in general.  They always tend to find someone or something outside of themselves to blame.   They do not accept responsibility for their own actions!  In the case above, if the driver had been alert (not sleepy or on drugs or whatever else caused the lapse of concentration) and was driving safely, then this accident would not have occurred.   To blame the road designers or the guardrails for being the main cause of the problem is ridiculous!

Of course when a public road used by thousands is involved, there will be cases when you may end up in an accident even if you are not to blame.   Some other car suddenly jumps the divider and falls into your path – you cannot avoid the crash and it is not your fault!   But it is still the other driver’s fault – not the fault of the road designer or builder! Similarly the world too is designed to be of a high standard (perhaps the highest standard) by the Creator.   But we have to be responsible for our own actions.

• To take just one example:  In the USA especially, every day we hear of shooting related deaths of children and other innocent people, but they are still very reluctant to pass a Gun Control Law!   It seems ridiculous to me that small kids (pre-teenagers) are involved in  fatal shootings.   If they had no easy access to guns, these tragedies would not have occurred.   But the majority of the adults  insist on their right to bear arms and are negligent in keeping the guns out of reach of the children.   So when the innocent children die, do we blame God or the people whose actions caused the tragedies?

Even when we talk of global events, such as climate change, is God really to blame?  We cause the problems and over a long period  of time it escalates into a global catastrophe!   Just as when we drive on the roads, we have to follow certain common sense rules to avoid accidents, so too in life we have to follow certain common sense rules to maintain the integrity of the planet.

Just as the designer of the road cannot (and should not) have to be responsible for every individual driver’s actions, so too God cannot be held responsible for the actions of each human!  Each one of us has been provided with the tools (our body and our senses) and the ability (our brains and mind) to live a wonderful life in a truly well-designed universe.   It is our responsibility to make sure we do live a wonderful life.

Another thing to remember is how Universal Laws work.   A universal law or principle has to be true all the time and has to be neutral – not a respecter of persons!   This will be discussed in the next post Part 2 of  “Why does God allow bad things to happen?”.

• anger , gratitude , happy living , law of mind , pursuit of happiness , self acceptance , unhappiness
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gopimenon April 22nd, 2009

Hope today’s title caused you to PAUSE and THINK!

Today’s post is all about being GRATEFUL – one of the easiest and fastest ways to become happy!  Too many of us take everything for granted.   Let me relate a very poignant (touching) experience I had about 3 years ago:

True Story: I was in the town of Kuala Perlis for two weeks on a technical writing job for the power station there.   I was staying at the hotel just opposite the ferry terminal to Langkawi.   One evening I was having dinner at a restaurant nearby (what locals call a `mamak’ shop), when I noticed a group of young men at a nearby table.

Most of them were fishermen or farmers with dark weather-beaten countenances, but one person stood out.  His face was fair and finely chiseled, and he was engaged in animated conversation with the others.   Then I noticed his left hand (or more correctly the lack of it)!   His left arm stopped just below his elbows ending in a stump with a few little protuberances (soft bubbles of flesh) that made up his `hand’.

He had no palm or fingers.  Yet he was holding a cigarette in that deformed limb.  When he reached down for a drink I was stunned to observe that his right hand too was similar – ending in a stump with a few small appendages in place of fingers.  So how did he drink?  His `fingers’ were not strong enough or long enough to hold the glass.

Fortunately his elbows were working fine.   So he held the glass between both his `arm-stumps’ and by bending his elbows brought the glass to his mouth, and drank as though it were the most natural thing in the world!  Yet he never looked morose or dejected.   In fact he seemed to be the life of that little party!

Later when he was about to leave, I had another shock – he rolled out a motorbike, not one modified for the disabled, but a normal one.  When he rode away, the shopkeeper saw me looking and said to me:  `Do you know that both his feet are also deformed?’  I hadn’t noticed because of the special shoes he wore.

Friends, can you imagine that?

That was an unforgettable lesson for me on the power of living in gratitude – to be able to carry on a `normal’ life in spite of such horrific disabilities!  That is also when I realized the true value of my elbows! So I am not being facetious when I say “Thank God for My Elbows!”   I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Let us think about this.  We see a blind man and we think `Thank God I’m not blind’.   We see a cripple and say `thank God for my legs’.  But has anyone ever said “Thank God for my elbows!” I guess not.  Because we take most things that Nature has given us for granted.  We don’t appreciate them enough or think about them at all!  Instead of living happily each day in GRATITUDE for all that we have, we spend the time COMPLAINING about all that we do not have!

Imagine this scenario: If I had no elbow of if it were fused solid, how would I reach into my pocket?  How would I comb my hair?   Oops! That’s a silly question – don’t have any hair to comb?  Okay but I still have to drink don’t I?  This bottle of water – how would I drink?  How would I brush my teeth? How would I eat?  How would I use the computer?  How would I write?   How would I hug someone?

Isn’t it incredible that without my elbows I could not do any of the thousand and one little daily actions that I take for granted?  Tying a shoelace, opening an umbrella, even waving goodbye – these are all impossible without elbows!

So I leave you with that thought and another practical tip for happy living:

“Be grateful for everything that you do have, even if it seems so common and unimportant as your elbows!” — Gopi Menon

See you soon!

• gratitude , happy living , self acceptance
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gopimenon April 16th, 2009

Hi Friends,

I’m so glad that some of you found Tip #I useful and have decided to practice it!   So here’s another tip that will help establish happy relationships between you and your spouse, your friends, your colleagues and all other people.

HAPPY LIVING TIP #2 : The Mirror Exercise!

All you do is look at yourself  in the mirror with love, twice every day for about 5 minutes at a time!

I can hear you readers going: “I look at myself in the mirror everyday – so what is the difference?”   The difference is that I am not talking about looking at the external you as you do when brushing your teeth, or washing your face or shaving or putting on make up!   You are to practice looking at yourself with love!

Initial Challenges:

Initially when I first started the mirror exercise, my mind could only focus on things that I did not like.  My imperfections – nose too big, crooked teeth, balding, etc. etc.   So how could I love myself?  (Most probably these are the same feelings you too may have, at first.)

But after persisting for several days, one day I suddenly realized:  “Hey, with all my imperfections, I am still special, I am lovable, I am one-of-a-kind, I deserve to love and be loved  – I am much more than my looks!”

Imagine if someone invented a doll that could raise its eyebrows, or smile, or cry or frown – wouldn’t we consider that doll to be special?  But we are much more than that:  We can not only do all the above but also THINK (imagine, dream, plan), FEEL emotions (happiness, anger, sorrow, generosity, compassion, altruism etc …) !

When we realize just how special, how unique we are, in spite of our imperfections, then we attain the state of unconditional love!  This state of loving yourself unconditionally, is called Self Acceptance.

SELF ACCEPTANCE:

The first step in achieving happy human relationships is Self Acceptance.    If we cannot love ourselves, how can others love us?  Also if we cannot love ourselves, how can we love others?

I like what some wit once said: “The problem with going for a holiday is that I have to take myself!” How true?  If we cannot find peace within ourselves, it makes no difference which country or holiday resort we go to!  We still won’t find peace and happiness.

So the first thing is Accept Yourself,with all your good and bad points – your talents and your faults, your strengths and your weaknesses, your quirks and your foibles! Then you will be able to accept others just as they are, which is the second step in maintaining happy human relationships.  Continue Reading »

• anger , happy living , self acceptance
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