DailyHappyLiving.com

gopimenon August 31st, 2010

Hi There,

Wishing all Malaysian readers a “Selamat Hari Merdeka’ i.e. ‘Happy Independence Day!

Today is Merdeka (or Independence) Day for Malaysia!   It is all of 53 years  since the nation of Malaysia got its independence from the British in 1957.

So as a nation we have freedom.   However today I want to talk about true freedom as an individual!Are we truly free as individuals?   Are we not unduly affected by what other people say or do? 

As long as we always just REACT to other people and circumstances, then we are not truly free! We tend to remain as puppets where other people can pull our strings! For example, another vehicle cuts into our path on the road and we flare up in anger;   a waiter is slow to serve us and we get upset;  our spouse is critical of something we did and we explode,  and so on…

As long as we react to others and to external circumstances, we remain mere puppets – our actions are not independent.   If our happiness and our behavior depends on what others say or do, then we are actually slaves to others!

It is only when we can RESPOND appropriately to people and circumstance;  when we CHOOSE our responses, that we regain our personal freedom!

That is why I have been saying that ‘Our Happiness is within our Own Control’ – because our Mind is totally under our own control; the thought we choose to dwell on;  and how we choose to respond to others is also within our own control!   See my earlier post on ‘You Control Your Thoughts, No One Else!‘

Too many of us are miserable because we do not realize this truth; we expect to be made happy by the words and actions of others.   This is like saying “I will be happy when the whole world makes me happy!”  That is not going to happen!   It is easier and much more practical to change our own responses rather than change other people.

True happiness is a mental state within our own mind, which cannot be enslaved by the whims and fancies of others!

In conclusion may I say that on this Merdeka Day, let us remember we are always free to respond in a way that keeps us happy!

Have a great day!

• happiness , happy living , law of mind
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gopimenon June 10th, 2010

I feel that the essence of Happy Living is to do everything in balance.

Whether it is material, intellectual or spiritual pursuits it is essential that we don’t overdo or ‘under-do’ any one thing.   Sayings such as ‘the happy mean’, the ‘mid-path’ and so on, all refer to balanced living.

Repression is just as bad as over-indulgence. It is often said that ‘too much of  a good thing is bad’, but we sometimes tend to forget that ‘too little of a good thing’ is also bad!

We are well aware of the problems of over-indulgence and repression when it comes to food – obesity, anorexia and bulimia!

It is absolutely fine to enjoy your food but eating too much leads to obesity and its associated problems of ill-health.   Despite the cliche of the ‘jolly rotund man’, obesity does not make for happy living.

Similarly eating too little (excessive fasting) or avoiding good food leads to emaciation and in the worst case scenario – eating disorders such as anorexia and bulimia!

The same logic applies to work and play situations.  ‘All work and no play’ leads to stress and frustration with all the accompanying ills.   Some people in this category end up in hospital with heart attacks, while others need psychiatric help for mental depression.   If only they had balanced their work, with vacations and time for the family and friends, then such problems could have been avoided.

Similarly ‘all play and no work’ leads to boredom which is just as problematic.  Some resort to life threatening sports to compensate for their boredom while others even consider suicide as a solution!  All for lack of balance in their lives!

This principle of ‘balance’ applies even to so-called selfless actions such as community service, charity work and so on.  Too much of ‘selfless service’ without any thought for personal needs is just as bad as being selfish and over-indulgent!  There must be a balance between the needs of the body, the mind and the spirit! Overdoing any one to the detriment of the other does not make for Happy Living.

Repressing our sex instincts (e.g. catholic priests) is just as bad as over-indulging (e.g. Tiger Woods) etc.  A little wine is good … too much may give you a hangover!…

All these problems (bulimia, stress, depression, sex-addiction, alcoholism, anorexia, obesity, etc.) come about because of a lack of balance in our lives.   The main culprit for these imbalances are the ‘false teachings’ and religious doctrines that seem to control all of our lives.

So called learned figures claim they know what we should do and what we should refrain from doing and even the amounts and ratio…. But the truth is God knows better and He has programmed us far better to do the right things (if only we have faith in our own intuition ..

We are too afraid to question these ‘questionable teachings’ because they have been given an aura of  ‘sacredness’!

We are afraid to use our God given will power and intellect in choosing the best possible ways to live – so that Happy Living can truly become a way of life.  Instead we always give in to those so-called ‘gurus’ or prophets who claim to know everything – the past, present & the future.  But the only one who knows all the past, all the present and all the future is God – not any man who claims himself to be a specially chosen one of God!

To be continued…

• happiness , happy living , pursuit of happiness , unhappiness
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gopimenon April 16th, 2010

Hello There,

I am sorry for the long break from posting.

How time does fly?  I can’t believe that it is already one year since I wrote a post entitled ‘Happy Birthday’ dedicated to my first grandchild Hiranya!   So I guess it is the right time to talk about the ‘Joys of Babysitting a Grandchild’!

A couple of weeks ago, a close relative got married and had a wedding dinner at a hotel in Kuala Lumpur.  When my wife and I arrived, we found that my son, his wife and daughter (Hiranya) were already there.   When the baby saw me from about three tables away she began to point at me and hold out her hands, asking to be carried!  Of course I happily did so!

But what I want to talk about is just how amazing a thing that little act was - a one-year old baby being able to recognize one person out of the sea of faces at the wedding dinner! How does the little brain register and sift through all that information – the hundreds of faces, the loud music, the babble of the guests talking, the movement of the waiters, the food on the tables etc.? But it is able to do so!  That is the miracle of life.

Every little thing the baby does is a cause for wonder – its first sneeze for example.   Even we as adults do not know all the muscles that have to be used in perfect timing (the eyes must be closed, the lungs must be able to drag in enough air, and the stomach and chest muscles must release all the pent up air in one small explosion through the mouth and nostrils!)   But the brain, or rather the  mind, is able to do all those myriad activities in an instant!  And to think that a baby’s just developing brain/mind can also do that easily!

Why am I talking about these little things (that we normally take for granted) in amazement and wonder?

I am merely applying Happy Living Tip # 5 (Look at Common Daily Miracles with Childlike Wonder & Amazement) and Happy Living Tip # 4 (Start a Gratitude Diary) – so that I can remain happy on a daily basis!

Thus I become aware of and enjoy the fact that everything that this body and mind is doing for us automatically, (without us knowing or even caring about it) is part of the Universal Source Energy (or God) and I am grateful!

While babysitting a grandchild, I am able to observe all these little miracles (baby’s first word, first step, first smile, etc.) with a greater intensity (no distractions such as a job or traffic jams) and this gives me boundless joy.   I think that the reason why a grandchild gives so much joy is because the love between a grandparent and a grandchild is truly unconditional!  As a grandparent we do not look forward to anything in return – all we want is to see the grandchild happy!

You may ask “What about a parent and child – can their love not be unconditional?”  Very rarely, because of the following:

1. ‘Parental pride syndrome’ which most parents suffer from.  They want to bask in the ‘reflected glory’ when their kids do well at school or excel at sports!  That is why there is excessive interest in tuition classes (even for kindergarten kids), and piano classes and karate classes etc.   When is there time for the child to be a child and enjoy childhood? But all these excesses are rationalized as “It is all in the child’s best interest and for the child’s future!”
2. Expectation: Also every parent cannot help but have some expectations of their child – that they will love and care for them in their old age.  But such thinking is not unconditional love – it is reciprocal love!

Reciprocal love is what is common in the world, whether it is between lovers or between friends – it is always conditional!  Imagine if a man loves a woman but she does not reciprocate – does he still love her unconditionally?  A friend breaks your heart – do you still love the friend unconditionally?  No!  It is not possible to have truly unconditional love.

But for a grandparent it is different!  He/she does not expect to live long enough to even see the grandchildren as adults.  So there is no expectation of the grandchildren having to repay them.   The love they have to give is truly unconditional and it therefore returned by the grandchild as unconditional love too!  And the beauty of it all is that unconditional love is truly Joyful – no expectation, just a feeling of being happy in the present!

Wouldn’t it be great if  we could truly love others unconditionally?

Expect Happiness!

• gratitude , happiness , happy living
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gopimenon March 20th, 2010

Several years ago I had already realized that nursing a hatred towards an individual for his actions towards me was counter-productive to my happiness! I have written about this in this blog under Happy Living Tip # 6 – How to Forgive Someone.

However, it is only recently I realized that I am still nursing another form of hate, which is not directed at an individual! I am talking about the pet hates that each one of us has – that seem justifiable!  Because of this ‘mantle of respectability’ we have given to hate, all of us (without exception) have pet hates and peeves!  Worse still, we are even proud of our hatreds and express them loudly and passionately!

Some of us hate Politics and Politicians, some hate Lawyers, some hate Injustice, some hate Religious zealots, some hate Immigrants of other Races, and so on!  Furthermore, we believe that it is right to do so. We rationalize and justify our hatred by saying things like: ‘it is right to hate wrong’, ‘it is right to hate evil’, ‘it is right to hate injustice’ and so on.

However I have now come to realize that nursing ANY form of hatred (even seemingly justifiable hatred) is a sure way to being Unhappy!

It is strange that it took me so long to come to this realization, since I espouse Happy Living in this blog.   The reason why it took me so long to recognize that ‘Hate is NOT a component of Happy Living’ is because I had learned to give credence and some form of respectability to ‘hate’ as a necessary emotion under certain conditions!

We have all been taught that it is right to hate injustice, to hate evil, to hate child abuse and so on. We have concluded that it is right to do so and that we are doing some good by hating evil!

Personally I have always hated ‘child abuse’, ‘rape’, ‘injustice’, ‘unfairness’, ‘abuse of power’,’ bullying’, ‘road hogs’ etc.   I justified my doing so saying that I was right to hate these things!  However, being right did not make me any happier!

Every time I thought of an injustice – e.g. child abuse or rapists,  it only made me think of taking violent revenge on the perpetrators.  I wished that the law would treat them more harshly, even torture them as punishment – ‘an eye for an eye’?

Thus my mind would be filled with such negative thoughts and images and the emotions I generated were ones of rage, vengeance, etc.  The end result of nursing such thoughts and emotions within me was that I felt miserable and physically sick!

Only recently did I realize that allowing myself to indulge in such thoughts was one of the main reasons for my unhappiness and poor health! It was counter-productive to the happy living which I try to promote.

So I have decided to refrain from reading about, talking about or thinking about such things (as far as humanly possible); although at times the urge to indulge in condemnation of some faction or group is so difficult!  Looks like I’ll have to bite my tongue each time I feel like going off on a pet rant!

Anatomy of Hate

Whatever it is that we hate (whether it is justified or not), the emotions created by hate is NOT one of happiness!  We may feel ‘pleased’ that ‘the perpetrator got his just deserts”, ‘vengeance is done’ etc. but it does not create a ‘feel good’ emotion.

Simply put, “Hate does NOT generate good feelings!” When we hate someone or something, the feelings that arise is our mind are those of anger, revulsion, revenge, etc.   And none of these are feel-good emotions!

As an example, just think of a toddler you love - immediately you get a warm good feeling, a smile comes to your face automatically when you imagine the child’s antics and you feel good.   Now think of someone or something you hate – what feelings engulf you?  Are they feel-good emotions?  Or are they emotions that make you feel upset?

Of course you will find that in every instance, the feelings generated by hate is one of hurt, anger, revenge, etc. – unhappy emotions, not happy ones.

So let us stop being proud of our pet hates and stop expressing them passionately at the slightest provocation, to anyone who will listen! Also let us be aware when we are holding on to ‘hate thoughts’ in our mind and just let them go. By choosing to replace the ‘hate thoughts’ with ‘loving thoughts’ instead we can indeed create Happy Living as a reality!

• happiness , happy living , unhappiness
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gopimenon February 4th, 2010

Hi There,

When I talk of ‘The Cinderella Complex’ as it pertains to Happy Living, I am NOT referring to that which was described by Colette Dowling -  who wrote a book on women’s fear of independence, as an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others, based primarily on a fear of being independent.

Neither am I referring to ‘Cinderella’s Syndrome’ as first named by Dr. Peter K. Lewin in 1976, in a letter to the editor of Canadian Medical Association Journal.  It describes false accusation by adopted children of being mistreated or neglected by their adoptive mothers.

The above are referring to individual cases.  However,  I am talking about the whole world  suffering from a set of beliefs that I call ‘Cinderella Complex’ for reasons that will become clear in this post.

In the fairy tale of Cinderella, we are told of a ‘good’ person (Cinderella) suffering unjustly but patiently from the wicked Stepmother and her daughters.  Her only help is from a Fairy Godmother who helps her go to the ball and find her a Prince Charming who then finally sets her free and they live happily ever after!

Just analyze some of the beliefs that we are fostering on our children with that tale:

• The good people have to Suffer with Patience and Forbearance whatever injustice they are forced to endure.  (Therefore expect to suffer if you are a good person!)
• They do NOT have any power to help themselves – they have to wait for an external Savior (Fairy Godmother) or a Hero (Prince Charming) to save them.
• The world is separated into 2 clear cut Parts – Evil & Good (with no gray areas in between).

These are the same kind of beliefs that all human beings are taught as children – by our parents, our school teachers and our religious teachers, by our movies and books etc.

• We are powerless as human beings in this world – we are at the mercy of Fate, the Devil, and other Evildoers
• All we can do is pray for a savior or a hero to help us – and if we pray hard enough and suffer long enough, the hero or savior will appear and save us from our troubles!

But how true are these beliefs?  How many cases do we know of ‘good’ people being saved from their ‘suffering’ by the appearance of a savior?

In real life, it is we ourselves who have the power to alter our ‘fate’ and design our own destiny!  This is what all the success stories of the world shows – the rags to riches stories (there was never any Fairy Godmother) who magically lifted them out of poverty!

The struggling inventors, writers, poets, painters, entrepreneurs etc all achieved their successes by their own belief in their dreams and the hard work they put in, and their persistence.   Sometimes the Universe helped them by ‘synchronistic’ events that were actually brought about by their own diligence and strong belief in success!  But by and large, there was NO White Knights to slay the dragons and save them!

Unfortunately, since we are all brainwashed into accepting the ‘Cinderella Complex’ from early age, most of us find it difficult to break away from such negative and self defeating beliefs!  Many of us still cry out in prayer, do fasts & penances, give offerings etc in the hope that we can bribe or extort some help from the Gods!

We fail to realize that the Creator has already given us the power to design our own lives;  we don’t have to stoop to try and appease or please God in all the silly ways we have been taught to do!

The Creator would be well pleased with us if only we were to exploit fully the talents that we have been born with – by ‘not hiding our light under the bushel’!  To do that we must become aware of what it is that we truly desire to do with our lives and then go for it confidently!

The unchanging and neutral Laws of the Universe and the Laws of Mind will provide the synchronicity required to ensure that we succeed.  All we need is to understand some of these basic principles (see World According to Gopi & Why Does God Allow Bad Things to Happen – Part 2)

Unfortunately, this idea of a special Hero with super-powers has been around for ages (e.g. Samson, Ulysses, Hercules etc.) and is even now being echoed in the Movies! A whole village is under the control of an evil leader and only the appearance of a hero from outside can help to overcome the villain!

This is true for both Western movies (think ‘Magnificent Seven’, ‘Shane’, Zorro, etc. etc.) as well as Eastern movies.  The vast majority of Indian movies exploit this theme to the nth degree – one unarmed ‘super hero’ overcomes dozens of gangsters while hundreds of villagers watch!  I used to wonder “Why doesn’t any of the hundreds of onlookers do something when atrocities are being committed by a dozen thugs?”  If only they were to take concerted action together, they could easily end the suffering and the humiliation!  Instead they stand around just looking (even when the one hero is fighting tremendous odds) – because they all suffer from the Cinderella Complex!

Like the case of a baby elephant which is tethered with a strong rope or chain and finding itself unable to break free, finally decides that it CANNOT break free, so that even when it is grown to be a 3 ton giant, it can still be held in place by a small chain.   Because it has forgotten its own powers.  So too the men and women suffering from the Cinderella Complex have forgotten or given up their own powers and now prefer to remain at the mercy of others!

Thus let us remember that the Cinderella Story is just that – a fairy tale and is NOT representative of real life!   If we want to experience a happy life, we should just go out and create it for ourselves, believing that we do have the power to do so!   Let us not wait for a White Knight, a Hero or a Fairy Godmother to alter our lives for the better.

Expect Happiness!

• happiness , happy living , unhappiness
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gopimenon January 19th, 2010

Hi There,

Most of the posts in this blog focuses on your mind and how you can use it to create a happy state of mind – no matter what the circumstances!

However today’s Happy Living Tip #8 is very different. You don’t have to do much thinking at all! Instead you DO something,which immediately puts you in a happy frame of mind.

So without further suspense, here is Happy Living Tip #8.
__________________________________________________________________________

Happy Living Tip # 8: Do Something Today to Make Someone Else Happy!

___________________________________________________________________

Now, doing something to make another person happy need not be a grandiose event costing a large sum of money or a lot of time!

It can be as simple gesture of goodwill as a genuine smile or an enthusiastic ‘good-morning’!  It can be a heartfelt ‘thank-you’ or a genuine word of appreciation to someone who has done you a good service.

It can also be some physical help like running simple errands taking an ill neighbor to the clinic, or fetching a friend from the train station.  Anything which makes the other person happy.

But there is a caveat:  Doing something to make another person happy does NOT mean you should perform ‘Random Acts of Kindness’ ! Don’t do that!

As rightly said by Gretchen Rubin (click on link below to see her article in Huffington Post), we must avoid ‘random acts of kindness’ because a stranger may not appreciate our gesture of goodwill and instead be suspicious of us and our motives.   So we must ensure that we do something that makes the other happy – not just something that we think will make the other happy!

UNDERLYING PRINCIPLES:

In all the earlier posts, we have learnt that our thoughts create our moods or emotions.   However the reverse is also true!  Our ACTIONS can also create our emotions and moods! The saying: “Act enthusiastic and you will feel enthusiastic!” is based on this fact.

However today’s tip goes a little further, to another universal principle – we attract that which we give out! If we give out affection, we get affection, if we give love, we get love in return, and if we give out anger, we get resentment and anger in return, and so on.

When we feel happy, we send out good vibrations and so we attract good things into our life.  This act of making someone else happy works to instantly uplift our own spirits!

If you don’t believe me just try it today -  Telephone a friend whom you have been meaning to call and have a friendly chat;  or call your Mother/Father/Sibling and tell them how much you love them!

See how uplifted you feel immediately after making the call.   So you have made two people happy with that one call – the receiver and yourself!

So remember this Happy Living Tip #8:  Do Something to Make Someone Else Happy! It is one of the easiest to implement and gets the fastest results!

Related articles by Zemanta

• Gretchen Rubin: A Year In The Pursuit Of Happiness: 7 Surprising Truths About What Makes Us Happy (huffingtonpost.com)

• happiness , happy living
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gopimenon January 4th, 2010

Hi There,

Today I would like to follow-up on last week’s topic ‘Not Putting Labels on People’ – which was all about learning to have ‘empathy’ for others.   Empathy is not the same as ‘sympathy’ which merely means to feel sorry for others!  Empathy means to be able to feel what others feel – to put ourselves in their position.

We can find many proverbs and sayings on various aspects of this subject ‘empathy’ such as:

• “Don’t judge a person until you walk a mile in the other person’s shoes!” – i.e.  See things from the other person’s perspective.
• “I was blue because I had no shoes, until I met a man on the street who had no feet!” - Learn to be grateful for what we have.
• “Live and let live!” – Live well but at the same time ensure that you let others live well too because they too are humans and deserve it!  (Unfortunately some people follow the adage ‘Live & Let Die!‘ thereby causing untold misery to others and to themselves too.)
• Etc.

But the phrase that has always struck a chord within me is one from the Bible which goes like this:

• “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I!”

It talks to me most strongly about ‘empathy’ – the ability to put ourselves in someone else’s situation.   But it is much more than that.  It also speaks to me of gratitude and humility.  In case you are not aware of what this phrase means, let me elaborate.

What it means to me is simply this:

If I see say a beggar, or a blind man, or a cripple on the street, I realize that if circumstances had been different, perhaps I could have been in their shoes!  Thus if I am sighted, able-bodied, and in a comfortable position financially now, it is merely because of the grace of God that I am not in the other’s plight.   Realizing this makes me exceedingly grateful and humble!  It also helps me to be kind to the other!

The other person need not be physically challenged for me to apply this phrase.  Even if I see a waiter, or a cleaner or a maid, I can still think about this and be grateful because I know that I could have been in their situation, but for Divine grace.  So I am always courteous to them – because I know they too are human, just like me and should not be treated as less than human!

Whenever I hear of people in positions of power, mistreating those less fortunate, I think about this phrase. If only these people would realize the true meaning of this phrase, they would not mistreat or condemn or judge others as they do now!

Unfortunately, I see many people going about acting boorishly  everywhere (in a restaurant, in the office, on the road, at home, etc.);  they look down upon others and treat them badly – without common courtesy.

Many people are arrogant about their position, their wealth or their health, not realizing that any of these could be taken from them in the blink of an eye – by an accident, by disease, by criminals etc.

In fact if you look at what happened in 2009 – some of those sacrosanct institutions (such as banks, insurance, huge conglomerates etc.) just went bust overnight!   Millions lost their means of livelihood, many lost their homes, and so on.

So now what happens to their arrogance and pride?   Who do they go to for help?  To those whom they have antagonized by their selfish, inconsiderate behavior?  On what grounds?

That is why we should realize that when we are in a comfortable position, we should be KIND to those in less fortunate positions! It is also the way to be happy in our relationship with others! If we continue to ‘distribute’ misery to others, how can we expect to remain happy?

This is why I place so much emphasis on this phrase as a means to Happy Living. Please remember: “There, but for the Grace of God, Go I!”

Expect Happiness!

• gratitude , happiness , happy living , unhappiness
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gopimenon December 23rd, 2009

Hi There,

It’s been some time since I posted another Happy Living Tip.   So for today I am giving another important tip on happy living.  But because this particular tip has far-reaching effects on basic human relationships and interactions, I need to give you some background.

Many years ago, when reading a book (where the central character was an anti-hero type),  I realized that when we look at his life from that person’s perspective, we are able to empathize with him and not just label him as a villain or a gangster and so on.

I also noticed the same thing happens when we are watching a movie, and we begin to root for the protagonist, even when he/she is not always perfect!  E.g. in the novel and the movie ‘Godfather’ we tend to empathize with the Don and do not just think of him merely as a mobster.

A more recent case of a movie we all appreciated even though it dealt with negative subjects (such as homophobia, adultery, murder etc.) was ‘American Beauty’ which won an Oscar for that year.  Here too we began to empathize with the characters without labeling them.

This insight led me to coin the phrase: “Separate the man from his actions, and you have cause to hate none!” Meaning that when we can differentiate the person from a particular action of his and NOT label him because of that action, then we are able to understand and accept him as a human being!

I used this insight in a practical way when bringing up my children.  One of the rules I insisted on following and also told my wife to follow when it comes to child discipline was this:

• Never tell a child: “You are a naughty kid!”; “You are a bad boy/girl!”;  “You are good-for-nothing!”; etc.
• Instead say: “You are a good boy, but what you did just now was bad!”

In other words, always let the child know he is good and he is loved – but his behavior at that time was not good.  My way of putting this into practice was as follows:

• Whenever I had to reprimand the child,  immediately after the ‘punishment’, I made it a point to show him that my love and affection for him was intact by giving him a treat (an ice-cream or chocolate).   I would clarify to the child:  “You are a good boy and I love you, but the action you did just now is not good or acceptable and that is why I had to scold you!”

My wife used to say: “What kind of punishment is that?  How will he ever feel the effect of the punishment, if you immediately give him a treat?”

I explained:  “Is punishment the main aim of the discipline?  No!  What is important is to see that he does not do those ‘bad’ things again!  Now, when a child knows he is loved and he is good, his self-image is intact and he realizes the difference between himself (as a person) and his actions.  He then knows that he can change his actions, and he will change voluntarily – not because of fear of punishment!”

So what has all this got to do with Happy Living Tip #7?  Everything!  In fact it is the crux of the whole problem why we are unhappy in our interactions with other people – the inability to empathize with others because of the labels we place on them.

Continue Reading »

• happiness , happy living , marriage
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gopimenon December 9th, 2009

In my last post I related the true story of the ‘Marriage Woes of Meena & Sham’.  I ended up asking if their marriage could survive?  Today we continue with the story!

The Marriage Woes of Sham & Meena (contd.)

One day, while Sham was listening to a meditation tape, he had an epiphany:

If I refuse to change my own perceptions, even if I were to get divorced and remarry, the problem would still be there.   Because it all begins with my own lack of acceptance that my spouse can have a different set of beliefs.

Sham finally decided that if there was to be any change in the relationship, it had to come from him!  Initially he had been reluctant to do so because he believed in ‘equality’ in a marraige!  His reasoning was:  “Why should I alone make the change?  Doesn’t it take two hands to clap?  Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership?  Why should I be the one to give in all the time?  Etc.”

Finally, he realized that it was not a contest of who was right but an attempt to make a relationship work.  He found that  it was NOT necessary for both the people in a relationship to make a change at the same time!  Even if he alone were to begin to make changes in himself, then the relationship could be salvaged.  And between himself and Meena, he was the better candidate for change since he read a lot, thought a lot and was interested in change!

So he started with learning to truly accept himself with all his weaknesses and strengths.   He did the mirror exercise regularly and began to truly love himself as an individual, unique human being.

When he could truly love himself, he realized that he could love Meena too (without being judgmental).  He began to look for the good that Meena did, instead of what she failed to do!  Thus he was able to find many things he had been taking for granted and not showing appreciation for.

E.g.  When his younger colleagues at the office kept getting calls from their wives regarding problems at home, he realized that never had Meena called him at the office to complain about anything.   He could even go away on business trips for a couple of days without any worry, unlike his colleagues who kept getting constant calls from their homes.   Meena cooked well, looked after their 3 active sons, and kept the house spic and span, without any complaints – all without a maid!

Once he began to appreciate what was good about Meena, Sham stopped criticizing her for every little thing!  He could then truly love her for being herself!

This was a great relief for Meena (it took away the tension she felt of always being judged) and so she reciprocated.  She began to feel that Sham really cared for her and so she was more affectionate and loving too.

Fast forward many years to the present! Sham and Meena have now been married for over 35 years, have 3 sons and grandchildren and they are both really happy in their marriage – which even their sons had expected to go on the rocks!

What was the secret that saved their marriage, in spite of the myriad problems? Continue Reading »

• happiness , happy living , marriage , self acceptance , unhappiness
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gopimenon November 21st, 2009

For the past several months, I have been sharing the philosophy that each one of us can make Happiness a Habit – by remaining aware of our feelings at all times and by controlling our thoughts, thus activating happy feelings!

So by now you regular readers know that you can make happy living a reality in spite of the circumstances, environment or other people.

That in itself is already a great achievement, since the majority of the people in this world are still struggling with the idea that ‘their happiness is based on outer circumstances and other people’ and not on their own choice.  They keep complaining about external things like:

• he/she makes me angry,
• my spouse doesn’t understand me,
• that road-hog makes me lose my temper,
• my boss makes me sick,
• the loss of a dear one makes me depressed,
• etc. etc.

They have not yet realized that it is always a choice they themselves make as to whether to get angry, or upset or sad or miserable.

But you, dear readers have already learnt that ‘no matter what the event, or circumstance; how we respond (not react) is always our own choice!’ You have learned to make happiness a habit!

While that is a great first step to happy living, there is a problem associated with ‘being habitually happy’ – namely, the lack of motivation to achieve!  I explored this idea a little in an earlier post ‘The Problem With Being Happy‘.  When we are habitually happy, we feel calm and at ease and lazy in a nice way and have no motivation to do anything much!

So how does a habitually happy person, get motivated to achieve anything new or exciting?

That is the subject of the Second Phase in Daily Happy Living – How to Increase Your Happiness!

Anyone can increase his/her happiness by using what I call ‘Happiness Enhancers’.

As explained in the above mentioned post,  Happiness Enhancers are anything that add to or increase our present state of happiness.

Examples of Happiness Enhancers are:

1. Having a Major Purpose in Life
2. Setting and Achieving Goals
3. Building Wealth
4. Building Health and Fitness
5. Having a Hobby (physical – such as tennis, football etc. or mental – such as chess, crossword, sudoku etc.)
6. Being Entertained by Others (music, novels, operas, dramas, movies, TV etc)
7. By Entertaining Others
8. & Many, Many More ….

But one of the best ways to increase your happiness is to find our your passion (purpose) and go after it with your whole heart and soul, expecting to succeed in your venture.  Remember my saying “Man Proposes, God Endorses!”   Because that is the truth!

The Creator would have to be stupid to first give you a passion or purpose or talent and then try to make sure you fail!  If ‘Man Proposes, God Disposes’ is true; what hope is there for mankind?  What can we puny humans do against the might of the Creator?  We are bound to fail!

Hence, know for certain that if God has given us a special talent or passion or purpose, it is for us to work on it, to excel at it and thus provide the world with the fruits of our special talent!  The Creator is not a sadistic dictator finding pleasure at our failures and our misery.  If we think of God as a parent, then we know that the Creator finds joy in each of us exploiting our talents to the fullest and achieving incredible goals and not in ensuring that we fail!

In my next post we will discuss this vital point on Purpose & Motivation which can lead to increased happiness.

To be continued….

• Motivation , happiness , happy living , unhappiness
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