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gopimenon December 23rd, 2009

Hi There,

It’s been some time since I posted another Happy Living Tip.   So for today I am giving another important tip on happy living.  But because this particular tip has far-reaching effects on basic human relationships and interactions, I need to give you some background.

Many years ago, when reading a book (where the central character was an anti-hero type),  I realized that when we look at his life from that person’s perspective, we are able to empathize with him and not just label him as a villain or a gangster and so on.

I also noticed the same thing happens when we are watching a movie, and we begin to root for the protagonist, even when he/she is not always perfect!  E.g. in the novel and the movie ‘Godfather’ we tend to empathize with the Don and do not just think of him merely as a mobster.

A more recent case of a movie we all appreciated even though it dealt with negative subjects (such as homophobia, adultery, murder etc.) was ‘American Beauty’ which won an Oscar for that year.  Here too we began to empathize with the characters without labeling them.

This insight led me to coin the phrase: “Separate the man from his actions, and you have cause to hate none!” Meaning that when we can differentiate the person from a particular action of his and NOT label him because of that action, then we are able to understand and accept him as a human being!

I used this insight in a practical way when bringing up my children.  One of the rules I insisted on following and also told my wife to follow when it comes to child discipline was this:

• Never tell a child: “You are a naughty kid!”; “You are a bad boy/girl!”;  “You are good-for-nothing!”; etc.
• Instead say: “You are a good boy, but what you did just now was bad!”

In other words, always let the child know he is good and he is loved – but his behavior at that time was not good.  My way of putting this into practice was as follows:

• Whenever I had to reprimand the child,  immediately after the ‘punishment’, I made it a point to show him that my love and affection for him was intact by giving him a treat (an ice-cream or chocolate).   I would clarify to the child:  “You are a good boy and I love you, but the action you did just now is not good or acceptable and that is why I had to scold you!”

My wife used to say: “What kind of punishment is that?  How will he ever feel the effect of the punishment, if you immediately give him a treat?”

I explained:  “Is punishment the main aim of the discipline?  No!  What is important is to see that he does not do those ‘bad’ things again!  Now, when a child knows he is loved and he is good, his self-image is intact and he realizes the difference between himself (as a person) and his actions.  He then knows that he can change his actions, and he will change voluntarily – not because of fear of punishment!”

So what has all this got to do with Happy Living Tip #7?  Everything!  In fact it is the crux of the whole problem why we are unhappy in our interactions with other people – the inability to empathize with others because of the labels we place on them.

Continue Reading »

• happiness , happy living , marriage
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gopimenon December 9th, 2009

In my last post I related the true story of the ‘Marriage Woes of Meena & Sham’.  I ended up asking if their marriage could survive?  Today we continue with the story!

The Marriage Woes of Sham & Meena (contd.)

One day, while Sham was listening to a meditation tape, he had an epiphany:

If I refuse to change my own perceptions, even if I were to get divorced and remarry, the problem would still be there.   Because it all begins with my own lack of acceptance that my spouse can have a different set of beliefs.

Sham finally decided that if there was to be any change in the relationship, it had to come from him!  Initially he had been reluctant to do so because he believed in ‘equality’ in a marraige!  His reasoning was:  “Why should I alone make the change?  Doesn’t it take two hands to clap?  Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership?  Why should I be the one to give in all the time?  Etc.”

Finally, he realized that it was not a contest of who was right but an attempt to make a relationship work.  He found that  it was NOT necessary for both the people in a relationship to make a change at the same time!  Even if he alone were to begin to make changes in himself, then the relationship could be salvaged.  And between himself and Meena, he was the better candidate for change since he read a lot, thought a lot and was interested in change!

So he started with learning to truly accept himself with all his weaknesses and strengths.   He did the mirror exercise regularly and began to truly love himself as an individual, unique human being.

When he could truly love himself, he realized that he could love Meena too (without being judgmental).  He began to look for the good that Meena did, instead of what she failed to do!  Thus he was able to find many things he had been taking for granted and not showing appreciation for.

E.g.  When his younger colleagues at the office kept getting calls from their wives regarding problems at home, he realized that never had Meena called him at the office to complain about anything.   He could even go away on business trips for a couple of days without any worry, unlike his colleagues who kept getting constant calls from their homes.   Meena cooked well, looked after their 3 active sons, and kept the house spic and span, without any complaints – all without a maid!

Once he began to appreciate what was good about Meena, Sham stopped criticizing her for every little thing!  He could then truly love her for being herself!

This was a great relief for Meena (it took away the tension she felt of always being judged) and so she reciprocated.  She began to feel that Sham really cared for her and so she was more affectionate and loving too.

Fast forward many years to the present! Sham and Meena have now been married for over 35 years, have 3 sons and grandchildren and they are both really happy in their marriage – which even their sons had expected to go on the rocks!

What was the secret that saved their marriage, in spite of the myriad problems? Continue Reading »

• happiness , happy living , marriage , self acceptance , unhappiness
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gopimenon December 7th, 2009

`Staying Happy in a Marriage’ is vastly different from `Staying in a Marriage’!

It is a statistical fact that more marriages in the West end up in divorce than in the East.  However it does not mean that most couples in the East who remain married are happy!

Many married couples are living `lives of quiet desperation’ because Eastern culture places a lot of value on self-sacrifice.  So, unhappy couples stay together for reasons such as:

• We don’t want our children to suffer the loss of a parent.
• We can’t do much about it – just accept it as FATE!
• `What will the people say?’ syndrome.
• Public view of female divorcees is very negative (in typical male chauvinistic fashion).

So it does not mean that just because the divorce ratio in the East is less, the marriages are happy!

But it does not have to be like that! You too can stay happy in your marriage if you know the secret!  The secret is simple, but it takes discipline and effort to implement.

Before I reveal the secret, let me tell you a story – a true story but with names changed.

The Marriage Woes of Sham & Meena

Sham and Meena had an arranged marriage.  Basically both were good and honest people with many sterling qualities but they differed greatly in their outlooks on life.   Sham was more of a dreamer while Meena was very practical and bound by traditions.

He loved reading books, seeing movies and generally lived in the ‘mind’ world of ideas while she was bored with movies or books.   She did not consider them real!   She preferred talking to friends about people and ‘real things’ – like who got married, who is expecting children, who got promotions, etc.  Sham had another word for that ‘reality’ – gossip!

Meena’s memory for facts about people and their relationships was incredible:  she could remember which niece’s son was studying what subjects, in what school; which uncle’s daughter is getting married to who; their occupations and so on.

Sham, on the other hand, had an incredible memory too – for inspiring quotations, for ideas, for movie stories including the names of actors and actresses etc.   He could be moved to laughter and tears by books and movies but unlike Meena, was not very affected by actual funerals or weddings of relatives!

Meena believed in ritual prayer, she fasted once per week, she loved to attend temple functions and recite  bajans (hymns) in Sanskrit, which she did not understand!

Sham believed that since God was everywhere and understood all languages, why bother to go to temples and pray in certain approved ‘sacred’ languages?  We might as well pray at home and directly to God without using an intermediary!

As you can see Sham and Meena were hardly the most compatible of couples!  But their basic values were the same: integrity, honesty, kindness etc.   Both loved children and would never hurt them.  Both were very honest with each other – sometimes too honest!

So they stayed together for years… for all the wrong reasons stated above, always unhappy at perceived slights and uncaring – needing only the most trivial of incidents to start another argument, bringing up past grievances and adding to their misery.

Each one felt that the other was uncaring and unsupportive and tried to prove the other was at fault.   Thus there could be no solution until they realized that changing another is an impossible task and one can only change himself/herself! 

When a brother suggested to Sham that he should be the one to make the change (because he was the one who enjoyed ideas and thinking etc.), Sham asked: “Why should I alone attempt to change myself?  It takes two hands to clap!  Why should I alone be giving in?”

So Sham and Meena were always unhappy – angry with each other and just waiting to find fault with each other.  As they say “What we focus on expands!”  So when each looked for faults in the other, they found it aplenty!

So much so that one of their sons even asked years ago: “Why do you two stay together if you are fighting all the time?  Why don’t you try separation?”

Is there any hope of saving such a marriage?

Strangely enough, in spite of their incompatibility, their marriage did survive?  How? What was their secret?

All will be revealed in the next episode of ‘Sham & Meena’s Marriage Woes’  in the next post.

• happy living , marriage , self acceptance
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