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How to Forgive Someone – Part 2 (Family & Friends)

gopimenon November 9th, 2009

Hi There,

In an earlier post I wrote about ‘How to Forgive Strangers & Acquaintances’. Today I will discuss ‘How to Forgive Family & Close Friends’

It is easier to forgive strangers and acquaintances, because we may not see them again or only see them again very rarely! Hence there are less chances of being reminded about the hurt or anger.

However with family members and close friends, it is quite different. We cannot avoid seeing them or interacting with them on a daily basis. Hence the incident that caused the hurt or anger will keep coming back into our minds, every time we see them.

Also our expectations of family and friends are higher – we expect them to understand us and feel for us, much more so than we would expect from any others. So we end up feeling greater hurt and disappointment.

The key here is ‘expectation’ – it is because we expect a certain behavior or a specific reaction from our family, that when we don’t get that behavior or reaction, we feel betrayed and are truly hurt!

So the solution to this problem is ‘acceptance’ and ‘love’ – unconditional acceptance and love! The word ‘unconditional’ is very important when it comes to family. If we love and accept the family member unconditionally, then we find it easier to forgive him or her.

The first 2 steps in forgiving a family member is similar to that for forgiving a stranger, namely:

To remember that when we decide to forgive someone, we are actually thinking of ourselves (our own well being) – not that of the other person! In a way it can be considered a ‘selfish’ act – one that benefits us more.
To remember that by nursing thoughts of anger and hurt within our own minds, we are poisoning our own selves – physically (by the excess hormones we generate), mentally (by our thinking) and emotionally (by our negative feelings).

The extra step we need to take when forgiving a member of the family or close friend is learning to ‘accept them unconditionally’! If we are judgmental about our spouse or other family member, then we are bound to react to them, based on our assumption of their motives. We will not be able to respond fairly to their actions – because we will always be inferring ulterior motives to their actions.

The other thing is that when we hold some form of judgment about another person, we will be sending out different vibrations than if we were totally unconditional.

For example, if I think my wife is ‘non-supportive’ then whatever she says, does or does not do (however innocently) will be viewed by me from the viewpoint of her being non-supportive. And it is easy to find fault when we focus on the perceived faults.

Thus there is no way I can forgive her – unless and until I practice non-judgment and unconditional acceptance of her! I have to see her as a good loving person, with some faults or quirks, just as each one of us are with our own quirks and foibles and faults!

When I can come to this place of self-acceptance and acceptance of my spouse as ‘perfect at her own level of evolution’, then it will become much easier for me to forgive her when she does things that I do not expect and upsets me.

What I have found in real life is that when we begin to practice unconditional love and acceptance, we will experience less and less situations that upset or hurt us!

When we begin to feel unconditional love for others, they can sense it and they will automatically respond to those positive vibrations, and will begin to act in ways to reciprocate your love and acceptance! Thus they will often say or do things that please you and not upset you!

In another post I shall share some practical methods I use to help me forgive others and practice happy living on a daily basis! See you soon.