Staying Happy in a Marriage – Part 2
gopimenon December 9th, 2009
In my last post I related the true story of the ‘Marriage Woes of Meena & Sham’. I ended up asking if their marriage could survive? Today we continue with the story!
The Marriage Woes of Sham & Meena (contd.)
One day, while Sham was listening to a meditation tape, he had an epiphany:
If I refuse to change my own perceptions, even if I were to get divorced and remarry, the problem would still be there. Because it all begins with my own lack of acceptance that my spouse can have a different set of beliefs.
Sham finally decided that if there was to be any change in the relationship, it had to come from him! Initially he had been reluctant to do so because he believed in ‘equality’ in a marraige! His reasoning was: “Why should I alone make the change? Doesn’t it take two hands to clap? Isn’t marriage supposed to be a partnership? Why should I be the one to give in all the time? Etc.”
Finally, he realized that it was not a contest of who was right but an attempt to make a relationship work. He found that it was NOT necessary for both the people in a relationship to make a change at the same time! Even if he alone were to begin to make changes in himself, then the relationship could be salvaged. And between himself and Meena, he was the better candidate for change since he read a lot, thought a lot and was interested in change!
So he started with learning to truly accept himself with all his weaknesses and strengths. He did the mirror exercise regularly and began to truly love himself as an individual, unique human being.
When he could truly love himself, he realized that he could love Meena too (without being judgmental). He began to look for the good that Meena did, instead of what she failed to do! Thus he was able to find many things he had been taking for granted and not showing appreciation for.
E.g. When his younger colleagues at the office kept getting calls from their wives regarding problems at home, he realized that never had Meena called him at the office to complain about anything. He could even go away on business trips for a couple of days without any worry, unlike his colleagues who kept getting constant calls from their homes. Meena cooked well, looked after their 3 active sons, and kept the house spic and span, without any complaints – all without a maid!
Once he began to appreciate what was good about Meena, Sham stopped criticizing her for every little thing! He could then truly love her for being herself!
This was a great relief for Meena (it took away the tension she felt of always being judged) and so she reciprocated. She began to feel that Sham really cared for her and so she was more affectionate and loving too.
Fast forward many years to the present! Sham and Meena have now been married for over 35 years, have 3 sons and grandchildren and they are both really happy in their marriage – which even their sons had expected to go on the rocks!
What was the secret that saved their marriage, in spite of the myriad problems?
The secret can be spelled out as: Self-Acceptance and thereby Unconditional Acceptance of Spouse. A brief analysis of why this works, written in the first person for easier understanding, is given below.
SELF ACCEPTANCE:
This is vital. If I cannot accept myself just as I am – with all my strengths and weaknesses, with my quirks and foibles – then how can I respect and love myself? If I am unable to love myself, how can I love others? Also if I feel unlovable, how can others love me?
Someone once said: “The problem with going on holiday is that I have to take myself!” How true! If we cannot be at peace with our own inner self, it makes no difference where we go to look for peace and happiness – we won’t find it!
On the other hand, if we can accept and love ourselves unconditionally, we are happy within ourselves. Then we find it easy to love others just the way they are. If we feel happy inside, we send out good vibrations and therefore others react to us in a good way!
Thus unconditional love starts from inside us and spreads outward – to our spouse, our children, to our friends and colleagues at work!
UNCONDITIONAL ACCEPTANCE OF SPOUSE:
If I accept my spouse just as she is, I will not be critical of her and be forever trying to change her. This `trying to change the other’ is I believe the #1 cause of unhappiness in a marriage. Of course other external circumstances, such as financial problems, will also contribute to the unhappiness.
But this non-acceptance of the spouse as he/she is, is the main cause of marital misery. If I don’t accept my wife and love her without ‘being judgmental’, I cannot focus on all her good qualities. Instead I will always be harping on her negatives – and who enjoys being `nagged’ at?
Once I accept the wife unconditionally, without judgment, I begin to appreciate all her good qualities. When I begin ‘accepting’ and stop ‘expecting’ her to react in a particular way and allow her to be herself, things that used to upset me does not bother me now. In fact I can even have a fondness for her very foibles (that used to annoy me) because I appreciate that is what makes her unique…
What a great turnaround? What used to annoy and irritate about the spouse’s mannerisms and behavior now begin to accepted (even welcomed) as a part of her/his unique personality!
Conclusion: Even in cases of extreme incompatibility (as in Sham & Meena’s case) it is possible to stay happy in a marriage. All that needs to be done is for at least ONE of the partners to begin to accept the other unconditionally and look for the good in the other so as to genuinely appreciate that partner! If one partner will do that, over time the other cannot help but reciprocate – thereby leading to a happy marriage!
I would like to end this post with an insight which I had some time back, which seems somewhat relevant to today’s post:
I understand and accept that each one of us is at a different stage of evolution and has beliefs that may be totally at variance with mine. Thus it makes no sense for me to get upset or angry at another if his/her belief does not agree with mine! – Gopi Menon
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- happiness , happy living , marriage , self acceptance , unhappiness
- Comments(4)
A wise man once said, the grass may be greener in another pasture but you still have to mow. Too often people rush to “greener pastures” without fixing the problems that got them into trouble in the first place. A marriage can only be saved if the two people in it are committed to caring enough to make the changes that are necessary. Too often is easy to blame the other person for the problems rather than do the hard work it takes to work out solutions.
Yes. Our mind is truly a powerful thing. If I say I want this relationship (or anything for that matter) to work and believe I can do what it takes to do it, then I am more likely to indeed do what it takes. Stuart
Hi ktangers
I like what you said about “..the grass may be greener in another pasture but you still have to mow!”
However, about needing BOTH to be committed to the relationship, I believe this may cause frustrated expectation – each waiting for the other to make the change!
I believe the relationship can still be salvaged, even if ONE is Committed, while the other is at least Neutral!
Cheers.
Hi Stuart,
You are absolutely right! Our mind can make a relationship (or anything else) work if we believe it can.
Cheers.