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Happy Living Tip #7: “Stop Putting Labels on People!”

gopimenon December 23rd, 2009

Hi There,

It’s been some time since I posted another Happy Living Tip. So for today I am giving another important tip on happy living. But because this particular tip has far-reaching effects on basic human relationships and interactions, I need to give you some background.

Many years ago, when reading a book (where the central character was an anti-hero type), I realized that when we look at his life from that person’s perspective, we are able to empathize with him and not just label him as a villain or a gangster and so on.

I also noticed the same thing happens when we are watching a movie, and we begin to root for the protagonist, even when he/she is not always perfect! E.g. in the novel and the movie ‘Godfather’ we tend to empathize with the Don and do not just think of him merely as a mobster.

A more recent case of a movie we all appreciated even though it dealt with negative subjects (such as homophobia, adultery, murder etc.) was ‘American Beauty’ which won an Oscar for that year. Here too we began to empathize with the characters without labeling them.

This insight led me to coin the phrase: “Separate the man from his actions, and you have cause to hate none!” Meaning that when we can differentiate the person from a particular action of his and NOT label him because of that action, then we are able to understand and accept him as a human being!

I used this insight in a practical way when bringing up my children. One of the rules I insisted on following and also told my wife to follow when it comes to child discipline was this:

Never tell a child: “You are a naughty kid!”; “You are a bad boy/girl!”; “You are good-for-nothing!”; etc.
Instead say: “You are a good boy, but what you did just now was bad!”

In other words, always let the child know he is good and he is loved – but his behavior at that time was not good. My way of putting this into practice was as follows:

Whenever I had to reprimand the child, immediately after the ‘punishment’, I made it a point to show him that my love and affection for him was intact by giving him a treat (an ice-cream or chocolate). I would clarify to the child: “You are a good boy and I love you, but the action you did just now is not good or acceptable and that is why I had to scold you!”

My wife used to say: “What kind of punishment is that? How will he ever feel the effect of the punishment, if you immediately give him a treat?”

I explained: “Is punishment the main aim of the discipline? No! What is important is to see that he does not do those ‘bad’ things again! Now, when a child knows he is loved and he is good, his self-image is intact and he realizes the difference between himself (as a person) and his actions. He then knows that he can change his actions, and he will change voluntarily – not because of fear of punishment!”

So what has all this got to do with Happy Living Tip #7? Everything! In fact it is the crux of the whole problem why we are unhappy in our interactions with other people – the inability to empathize with others because of the labels we place on them.

To take an extreme example let us consider a ‘Master- Slave’ relationship. The Master feels the Slave is less than human and so treats him as less than human. Different rules of behavior are considered acceptable if you are a Master or if you are a Slave! We all know that this is patently untrue and immoral! All human beings have the same rights and privileges and also the same responsibilities!

Because we came to understand this equality in humans, slavery has been abolished for almost one and a half centuries! Unfortunately this ‘Labeling’ of human beings still go on in various guises, such as:

Most people look down on Waiters, not realizing that they too are performing a service, just as needed as a that of a bank-clerk or a manager or a doctor etc. They seldom empathize with them. They don’t think of the waiters as individual human beings because the label of ‘waiter’ has somehow made them forget that they too have feelings and aspirations. For all we know the waiter may be just trying to earn his way through college – and that spirit of self-reliance is something that should be appreciated, not looked down upon!
Here in Malaysia, we hear of Employers abusing their Maids. They do not realize that the Maid too is a human being – with the same feelings as the Employers! The Maid too is a the daughter or wife of someone, who would be so saddened to hear of the abuse their child or wife is undergoing! Most of all the Employer fails to realize that they too need the Maid – she is an asset to running the household and does the jobs that the Employer is not able to do or is not prepared to do! So they should be thankful that for less than US $200 a month they can employ a full-time Maid. Instead they use the label ‘Maids’ as though they are Slaves!
Even in a marriage if we put labels on the couple as only a Husband or only the Wife, we are setting and expecting different standards of behavior for each – without thinking of each as an individual first, and then only a husband or a wife! But a woman may be more comfortable working outside at a career and the man could be someone who prefers to cook and keep home! But the labels placed on them by society may make them live truly miserable lives, when they try to live up to the labels!
So too, if a father labels his son/daughter as ‘only a child’ then he is likely to not listen to their genuine feelings/wishes/wants and will try to impose his own ideas on them – “Father knows Best” syndrome! This is the main reason for the so-called ‘Generation Gap’ between parents and their kids!

So today’s Happy Living Tip is designed to alleviate this problem of labeling of people.

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Happy Living Tip # 7: “Stop Putting LABELS on People!”

When we label other people, we tend to de-humanize them to a lesser or greater degree. For example, we say things like ‘he’s just a child’, ‘she is just the maid’ etc. as though that label defines them as a person! This is totally untrue and unacceptable! Nobody is ‘just a child’ or ‘just a waiter’ or ‘just a wife’ or ‘just a husband’ etc.

Each one is an individual human being, with the same feelings and aspirations and the same rights to happiness as any one else!

Not understanding this or refusing to accept this is the major reason for unhappiness in human interactions!

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When we stop Labeling People, we begin to see the other person as an individual, and we respect his/her viewpoints and understand the reason for their actions even if we do not agree with those actions! Thus we become less rigid in our outlook; we don’t criticize as we used to; and we don’t get upset as we used to – which leads to happier relationships!

Some examples of how ‘non-labeling’ can help us live happier lives are listed below:

Parent -Child: Even though born in the same home of the same parents, brought up in the same environment, fed the same food, and sent to the same schools, you will still find that each child is uniquely different! If the parent does not acknowledge this uniqueness he/she may be guilty of bad comparisons between one child and the sibling, such as “Why can’t you get good results at school?”, “Why can’t you play some manly sports instead of taking up music and dance?”, “Why can’t you be like your sister/brother?” etc. The answer is – the child CANNOT be like his brother/sister because each child is uniquely different, with his/her own talents, likes and dislikes! If we label all siblings as just kids – then we are not doing them justice and they can end up with a lot of resentment, jealousy, envy, lack of good self-image etc! How then can the family life be happy? Only by stopping this practice of placing all children into one mold – i.e. by non-labeling!
Boss-Worker: If the Boss thinks of the employee as ‘just a worker’, at best he is unlikely to give enough respect or appreciation for the employee’s work; at worst he may treat the employee badly, assuming that as a Boss, he is above the ‘law’ and his methods should not be questioned! Such a workplace is hell for the workers! If instead the Boss empathized with his employees, and treated each one as an individual, the office would be a happy place indeed, and more efficient to boot!
Husband – Wife: Recently I happened to watch an episode of Oprah where the wife of a politician who was involved in a scandal, had this to say, when asked if their marriage would survive: ” We have been married for over 20 years and he has been a devoted husband and father and also a friend to me all these years. Of course I am angry and feel betrayed now, but can I define him by this one bad action of his?” She had understood what I am trying to explain here – that an action does not define a person!

And there are many, many more such labels.

You will be able to make up your own situations and think of the labels that you yourself use and see the folly of putting labels on people. Then you will realize the truth in Happy Living Tip #7 : “Do Not Put Labels on People”.

As always, Expect Happiness!